While I am waiting........

The Irony of Life

2012-01-22T22:22:00.000-05:00

Today marks the 39th anniversary of the Roe v Wade ruling by the US Supreme Court allowing a woman to choose whether she wants to end her pregnancy. Today also marks my 41st birthday. I have always found the fact that these two share the same date to be ironic. I know that I was wanted from moment one, but I am still thankful that both of my parents chose life for me.

When we say "pro-life" or "pro-choice", most people know what you are talking about, and they know where they stand on the issue. The discussion that has become part of this is the end of life discussions, which can get a bit more complicated. But I have a new challenge for you. Where do you stand on your own life? Or to put it another way, where do you stand on your quality of life?

According to the CDC, in 2007-2008, 33.9% of adults 20 years or older were considered obese, and 34.4% were considered obese. Here we are 4 years later and things have not gotten better. In fact, projections at this point are that if things don't change, by the year 2020 83% of men and 72% of women will be overweight or obese.

I am so confused by the society that we live in, with the mixed messages that are being fed to us. On one hand we have the idea that we need to be unnaturally thin and that if we aren't able to achieve that, then we are a failure. On the other hand, so many have just decided that since they can't live up to those expectations that they just are not even going to try and completely let themselves go. We need to find a happy medium.

But ultimately it comes down to you and how satisfied you are. It's a choice. How are you going to fuel your body, how are you going to strengthen your body, and how are you going to influence those around you to make healthier choices, as well?

We live in a spectacular world, full of opportunities to make our lives better. Do not let snide comments of others knock you off track or cause you to lose focus. Instead, surround yourself with people that will stand beside you, encourage you, and push you along when necessary. Start today. Do not wait. Once you start seeing the changes, feeling better, you will want to just keep pushing ahead.

Uninspired

2012-01-20T17:42:00.000-05:00

2012 is not starting off the way I had hoped. I look back on 2011 and it was probably one of the most amazing years for me, on so many different levels. I ended it with a very positive attitude and assumed, or at least hoped, that 2012 would just continue on in the same manner. It has not really gone that way.

Last year was a year of transition for me in some respects. Overall, I think I handled it pretty well. I'm in transition yet again and while it seems to be okay, I am just ready for it to be done so I can dig in and just move on with what I am truly passionate about. Maybe the end of the month.

I have started and deleted several posts to put on here. But they just didn't sound right. I'm kind of uninspired right now, I guess. Or maybe I'm just not as willing to be open and vulnerable like I have in the past. To bare my soul and let people see the real me. People that I really don't know.

I ended last year with having met two men. I went out with both of them, even on the same day. (I think I've even impressed my older niece and nephew with this great accomplishment!) Sadly, all these interactions really did is make me realize the likelihood of finding the man of my dreams at this stage of life is slim to none, which means my dream of having my own children goes with it. But I'm actually okay with that. I would rather have my current life, which is full of love from my awesome family and friends, than to settle for someone just to say I found someone.

Instead, I will continue to move forward in my selfish behavior of seeking happiness in my own way. I will fill my calendar with awesome outings, coffee dates with amazing friends, planning my own birthday celebrations because I can, and looking for new and amazing organizations to support and get involved with. And I will live vicariously through many of these people as they get married, have babies of their own, and invite me into their lives. I will relish the title of "aunt" and dote on those babies like no other.

I really do have an awesome life and am truly blessed to be where I am. I have so many questions I want to ask when I get to heaven, and some of them are why He chose me to be so blessed?

Eye-Opening and Spontaneity

2012-01-01T11:36:00.000-05:00

2011 is now behind us, but that does not mean that it has failed to leave a lasting impression on us. I know it has for me. But I am also ready to dive into 2012 and make it even better than 2011.

When I look back on 2011, I find that it was an eye-opening year for me. Turning 40 made me spring into action to really evaluate where I was at in life and where I wanted to go in the next 40. I took a course on dreaming, which helped me walk through some steps to consider whether I was living life the way I wanted to. I celebrated the life I was given and took steps to make my life even better for the future. I met some great people that I now consider friends and am thankful for the impact they have made in my life. I ran my first 5K and hope it is the first of many more to come. Through some trials and trials, I think I have figured out what my true professional passion is and am ready for the next steps to happen. I have lightened up a bit, at least I think I have. Maybe those closest to me would say different. The theme for the year was "because I'm worth it" and I think I stuck to that pretty good. 2011 was more than just a good year - it was a wonderful year!

So as I look to 2012, my theme is going to be spontaneity. This is going to stretch me beyond what I could imagine, I think, just because of what my personality is. I am not setting official "goals" this year which will make some of you laugh, especially in light of some recent conversations. Instead, my "goal" is to live life to the absolute fullest. I want to experience everything that I possibly can. With the deaths of several young men in West Michigan in the past few weeks and months, it has really reminded me that we do not know the day or time that we may be called home to glory. I want to make the most of every single moment that I have here on earth. I want to try things that I never thought I could do or experience. I want to live life with abandon and throw caution to the wind. I do not want my failure to be that I never tried. Who knows where I could be a year from now.

What is 2012 shaping up to be for you? Let's go out and live life to the fullest!

End of the year, not end of the journey

2011-12-27T21:26:00.000-05:00

Christmas Eve 2010

I spent Christmas Eve with my beautiful family, as we have done every year that I can recall. I made my niece take another picture with me because I wanted to compare this year to last. Yes, I used her. But she knew what I was doing. There is so much I want to say about this year and it will come at a later date. For now, these pictures say it all.

Christmas Eve 2011

The year is ending, but my journey is not. I cannot wait for 2012 and what it will bring. For now, I will celebrate the accomplishments of 2011, with the biggest one being that I can finally say I love myself for who I am, right here right now. Stay tuned for the rest of the highlights,and for the upcoming adventures of 2012. You
will not want to miss it!

Know Where You Are Going

2011-12-18T20:23:00.000-05:00

This weekend has been one of challenges, one that has required me to do some deep soul searching and contemplating. Through all of that, I was reaffirmed in some of my convictions.

You have to know what you believe. At any given time, you may be challenged in this area and you have to 1) know what you believe, and 2) be willing to stand up for it. Are you prepared to do that?

You have to know what you want. This can entail so many different areas, but if you look at it from a higher overview, you can get a better perspective. What do you want out of life? What choice/decision will keep you moving in this direction?

You have to know where you are going. Goals, dreams, plans again come into play in this. If you have never really thought about it, you will not have a base from which to draw. If you aren't sure, make it your New Year's Resolution to start working on this.

Even once you have all of this thought out, you may still be challenged in one or all areas. These may change or need to be altered, but you need a starting point to work from. Be open to the challenge, but do not dismiss them just because you feel hopeless and that this is your only alternative. Instead, take time to reflect back on why you developed these and take it from there.

I did not get to this stage of my life by winging it and throwing caution to the wind. There are times that I should probably do that more, but this is not one of them. Thank you, Lord, for making me a strong, independent woman who can take care of herself. And thank you for those around me who pick up the pieces I am dropping behind me when I don't even realize it, ready to give them back when I am ready.

Set the World on Fire

2011-12-11T21:59:00.000-05:00

Two posts in one day - I must be feeling inspired.

I love watching the show Glee and hearing their interpretation of past and current hits. At the end of the show on Tuesday, they sang a song I had never heard before, but I completely fell in love with it. I have re-watched/listened to this song countless times over the weekend because it has struck such a note with me.

The name of the song is "We are Young" and was originally sung by a group called "Fun". The words of the chorus are:

Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter
Than the sun.

Although this song was sung by a bunch of high schoolers looking to go out into the world to "set the world on fire", I am also inspired by this. What about you?

Is it just the youth of this world that are willing to take chances, willing to lay it all on the line? What about those of us who like to think that we are youthful in our thoughts? Or those who are looking for that second career? Those that are retired and looking to try something new? How are we going to set the world on fire?

I have lived the first half of my life pretty conservatively. I have done everything that was expected of me. I don't regret any of that, but it has not really forced me to get out of my comfort zone. I want the next half of my life to be something that people talk about, something that they can look at and be jealous about, a journey that they want to join me on.

I have no idea what this looks like, but I feel completely inspired to make some changes, to take on some new challenges. Want to join me? Let's burn brighter than the sun could ever hope to and carry each other home when we are done. Bring it on!

Life is Good

2011-12-11T12:38:00.000-05:00

I was reminded this morning how good life is. I am abundantly blessed in so many ways that others around the world are not. It is often difficult not to feel guilty for that and to choose how to respond.

This time of year has often been difficult for me, harder than most would realize. But this year is different. I went into Thanksgiving and the upcoming holidays with a different mindset. Instead of focusing on what I don't have, I am choosing to focus on and be thankful for what I do have. And it has made all of the difference in the world.

Thanksgiving was an amazing weekend for me, mostly because all of my family was together. And we had fun, and laughed, and laughed, and laughed. Oh the stories I could tell! (Who's on YOUR list??) It just solidified for me, yet again, how much I LOVE my family, even our little intricacies and habits. Not that I have any of those.....but I digress. I will miss the Kentucky clan at Christmas but will choose to look forward to the next time I DO get to see them.

I know I say this all the time on here, but I truly mean it. I have the best friends a girl could ever hope for. To get to spend time with them as often as I do is truly amazing. In fact, I get to have the pleasure of seeing most of them within a weeks period of time - at Christmas, no less. They laugh, cry, joke and get indignant with me. They allow me to be an honorary aunt to their children and hold and cuddle them. The invite me to dinner. The are non-judgemental when they come to my house and it is less than perfect. They let me go on and on when I have to get something off my chest. They let me vent. And they love me for who I am.

I have an amazing sister who means the world to me. I don't think I tell her often enough how much I love her. We can go weeks without actually talking, but we understand that is how life goes. And when we do catch up, watch out! She emulates what I would want to be as a wife, mother and friend. Thanks, Michelle, for always being there for me. She lets me be a second mother to her children and borrow her husband when appropriately necessary. Yes, she is one of my best friends.

I don't know what it is about this year compared to a year ago, but I feel like a completely different person. Positive, light-hearted, ready to conquer the world. Life is short, live it to the fullest and don't let anything pass you by. Tell those around you that you love them, that you need them in your life, and that you would do anything for them. It's not about me; it's about those around me. Thank you, Lord, for each and every one of them.

Makeover!

2011-11-29T20:43:00.000-05:00

I love watching The Biggest Loser. I know what happens on here is not realistic for us "normal" people, but it still can be encouraging and inspirational. Tonight is one of my favorite weeks of each season - makeover week!

I have had a ton of fun buying some new clothes through my own journey. It always kind of boosts your ego when someone gives you a great compliment and for me, it just encourages me to continue with what I'm doing. I got one of those today. Yes, it made my day.

Normally when we hear "makeover" we think of our outside appearance. Yes, that is what other people see first, and it is often what we focus on because that is what we see when we look in the mirror. But I think the best "makeovers" are those that are not "seen". Our attitude, composure, confidence, etc. If society, as a whole, focused more on this, I think we would be a much happier world, and also maybe a healthier one.

While I have been on this journey, I have seen a makeover occur in my inner spirit. My doctor gave me some huge kudos today at my yearly check-up - 23 pounds off since last year, great test scores, and an attitude of just wanting to make my health a priority since turning 40. That felt great because it confirms that I am on the right path.

I love seeing this side of me come out. My makeover is not done, for the inside or outside. And it never will be. Stay tuned.......

Five Weeks

2011-11-27T20:46:00.000-05:00

Can you believe that we only have five weeks left in 2011? When I realized this today, I was kind of taken aback. There was a part of me that reminisced on how great of a year it has been, and then there was a part of me that panicked about how I must be failing in my goals that I set at the beginning of the year. So, I hauled out my journal and reviewed the goals that I set back in January to see how bad I was doing. Afterall, I cannot recall when the last time was that I reviewed them. And that was one of my goals - to review them on a regular basis.

After re-reading them, I was pleasantly surprised to see that I was actually pretty on track with everything. I guess that tells me that I must have set goals that were 1) achievable, and 2) something that have stayed a priority all year long.

Even though I seem to be on track, I still have five weeks left to accomplish some things. So I am setting some short-term goals to wrap up the year. This will give me some focus for the remainder of the year and make sure that I do not just fritter my time away. That would be SO easy to do, let me tell you.

So how are you doing with the goals that you set? You did not have a chance to set some, well this is your lucky day. You have five weeks left to help you end the year right, and then to help you start 2012 off on the right foot. I challenge you to write down five goals for the rest of this year - that is only one per week. You can do it!

A Celebration of Thanks

2011-11-22T20:39:00.000-05:00

I love Thanksgiving, for so many reasons. It is one of the only holidays where you do not have to worry about buying gifts, it is not commercial, it is a time to gather with family, and it helps us focus on what we should be focusing on all year long - the abundance that each of us has.

I am thankful for the gift of life. This year I became an aunt and honorary aunt three times over to Aiden, Emma and Avery. They are the most precious children, all with their own personalities, and I can't wait to be part of their lives as they grow up. But this year also brought pain as we celebrated the passing of the spouses of some dear friends who were lost at way too young of an age to cancer. I was reminded, yet again, at how precious life is.

I am thankful for the gift of challenges. This year has had its challenges and will right up to the very end. I switched jobs, jumped into more chaos, and fought my way through. Now that things have leveled out I am ready to change them up yet again. But, if I had not gone through the challenges of transition, my next challenge likely would not have occurred. And, it would not have been made clear to me what my passion is and what I am called to do. Stay tuned for more changes/challenges.......I can't wait!

I am thankful for the gift of nature. This year I fell in love, more than ever before, with the area of the world that I live in. I have found a reason to love every single season here in Michigan with an activity. Winter brings snowshoeing, which puts me out in the middle of gorgeous snow-covered ground, sun shining, blue skies. Spring brings on the beautiful smell of fresh flowers and grass and hikes in the meadows. Summer brings on trips to gorgeous beaches/lakes that are phenomenal. Fall is full of runs through the parks. What more could I ask for?

I am thankful for the gift of adventure. This year I feel like I have stepped out of my comfort zone and really tried some new things. And loved every minute of it. I ran my first 5K, in front of people. I set up and coordinated my own birthday party to celebrate 40, rather than wallowing in pity. I started a healthy life-style change, and have not looked back. The adventure continues.....

I am thankful for finding the gift of balance between work and life. The last few months have been some of the most balanced I have had in recent memory. They have been good, but they have also started to become boring. So, I will be mixing things up, in the work area, yet again. I suspect this balance will go away, again, so I will enjoy it for the rest of the year. And then go from there.

I am thankful for the gift of coffee. Well, it is not the actual coffee, as such, but more of what it represents. Time to chat with friends, to bare your soul, to share your hopes and dreams, to spill your guts in the midst of tears, to just be and know that you are loved. Thank you to all of you who have shared coffee time - that has meant so much!

I am thankful for the gift of laughter. This year has been full of more laughter than I can recall. The two times that stick out are my birthday weekend where we spent a lot of time laughing, and then our Cedar Point weekend. Amazing! I want more of those in my life and will work hard to have more of those occur.

I am thankful for the gift of movement. This year has brought tremendous change in my physical activity. I ran over 5.5 miles this weekend. Ran. Me. The overweight 40-year old who has never done this in her life. Thanks to my trainer PW for putting up with my crap and pushing me like I did not think possible. I cannot wait to see where I am at a year from now.

I am thankful for the gift of my family and friends. I cannot even begin to tell you how much they mean to me. They have supported me as I worked through tough times, supported me in ways I did not know I needed to be supported, and welcomed me into the activities of their families when I needed that. I am humbled by all of it and hope that I can return even half of what they have given to me.

I am thankful for the gift of grace and forgiveness that I do not deserve. Even though this has been a tremendous year of personal growth, it seems to have been a pretty slow year for spiritual growth. I have been here before and I know that it will swing back around. I am thankful for the grace that Christ shows me through these valley times and how He will welcome me back at anytime and forgive me for that distance. He will not hold any of this against me. He paid the true price for me. What more could I ask for?

What are you thankful for? Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.

To be Understood is Priceless

2011-11-19T21:04:00.000-05:00

I had the pleasure of having dinner this week with some dear friends that I used to work with. One of them lost her husband earlier this year to cancer at too young of an age. I had not seen her since just after he had passed away and as the night went on, talk turned to how things were. I had often talked with her about the difficulty of being single in West Michigan. She told me that she finally understands what I was talking about - it is difficult being single. Her comment brought me to tears for two reasons. First, because she is now in a position to understand that because she, too, is single again. But also because it is freeing to know that you are not going crazy for feeling how you feel.

This post is not about being single. Instead, it is simply about feeling that someone understands where you are. That could mean so many different things - you/your spouse just lost a job; your child is having difficulty in school; your parents are aging and more demands are being made on your time; you are having difficulty getting pregnant; you and your spouse are having marital problems; you are angry at God and just do not know how to get passed that.

To know someone else that has walked/is walking the same road as you can be comforting. You may find hope because this other person found a way out or a way to work through something. You have someone that you can turn to when things get tough and that person completely understands and may have some advice.

Part of that, though, is that you have to be willing to be vulnerable and share where you have been, or where you are. Sometimes that can be difficult because you are exposing yourself to potential gossip (depending on the situaion) or to rejection. So you need to choose who you are going to be open with, someone that you trust.

I would like to lay out a word of caution for those who "think" they have been where someone is and believe that they have the "right" answer or words of advice to someone. Think twice before you say something because you could damage someone even more with what you say. The best example of this for me is when I've written about some of my struggles and I get a Bible verse as a response telling me to wait patiently on the Lord. Hello, what do you think I've been doing for the last 40 years??? Not helpful. So just make sure that your comments/advice are truly helpful.

Who do you need to understand today? Or, who needs to be understood?

Just my opinion

2011-11-06T19:10:00.000-05:00

As I was driving today, I heard, at the very least, three different advertisements about quick fixes to lose weight. Take this pill, drink this "potion", etc. You get the picture. I am so sick of hearing these. But it certainly is in line with the thought process of people today.

I have fought the weight battle all my life. At this stage of life, I have no one to blame but myself. No one is forcing food down my throat and I do all the cooking. I could come up with a million excuses such as I do not have time to cook, I do not have time to workout. But I have proven in the last six months that those are not necessarily true, either. But it is a choice that I have to make every day, sometimes every meal.

We live in a world where we want everything now and, depending on what it is, we do not want to have to actually do anything to get it. We want, we get. Fast food is quick, so we fill up with that. Or we actually go to the store to get groceries but fill up on pre-packaged foods, frozen dinners, and other things that are quick and easy but nutrionally low. It is just easier that way. But is it the best way?

The past six months I have worked my butt off. I roughly calculated that I have walked/ran about 400 miles. And, for the most part, I have tracked my calorie intake pretty closely. Yet, I have only lost about 25 pounds. Frustrating, but I'm learning to see success in different ways. I feel so much better. My thinking is clearer. My confidence in myself has soared. My original "skinny" pants are now too big and I am on to my third pair of "skinny" pants. And I am not stopping.

One of the biggest obstacles to this constant battle is the lack of support. I have great family and friends who have been extremely supportive, but they are not here every day when I get home from work and need a push to run, or a an encouraging word to tell me it is all worth it. But I am not going to let it stop me - I put on my shoes day after day and get out and just do it. And I will continue to do it.

Unless we start changing our mindset as a country, as a state, and as a community, we will continue to become an even unhealthier nation. We did not get this way over night, so we cannot expect to see it all go away overnight. It is going to take time. It is going to take hard work, focused efforts, and conscious decisions to change. But you have to want to do it, for the right reasons, in the right way.

Make a change for a healthier lifestyle today - you will never regret it. How can I help you take the first step?

Because I Knew You

2011-10-26T21:28:00.000-04:00

I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack last week and one of the songs has been stuck in my head ever since - "For Good". Here's my favorite section of the song:

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you

It has made me think about how people have come into MY life, some have stayed and many have left. But all of them have made an impact on me in some way. Even if the relationship was not a great one, or left me heartbroken, I have tried to take something away from it to make me a better person. I mourn the loss of some friendships that have drifted apart or that distance has put a damper on because I know they have pushed me at some point and made me a stronger, better person. Then I look at people currently in my life and am thankful every day for having them placed in my life.

I even look back on some of my past co-workers and see how God placed them in my life at the right time to help me walk through some of the darkest times. And I still thank God for them. I wish I knew where some of them are.

The flip side of this, though, is that I hope I have made a difference in someone else's life, for the better. Another section of the song that makes me pause is:

And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the thing I've done you blame me for

I know that I have not always been a positive influence on someone else's life. For those that have had this experience with me, please accept my apology. I hope that I have learned from those mistakes and will not make the same with anyone going forward.

Life is short - make it the best that you can. Make an imprint on someone's life....and let them do the same for you.

Adrenaline Rush

2011-10-23T20:50:00.000-04:00

Last weekend I went to Cedar Point for the weekend with Michelle (my sister), Greg (brother-in-law), Jordan (nephew), Torie (niece), Bekah (pseudo-niece) and Nick (Torie's boyfriend/Jordan's friend). We had a blast! We all look a bit puffy in this photo, though, because of the amount of clothing that we had on to weather the frigid winds blasting through. I believe I had 3 shirts, a sweatshirt and my coat on in this picture. And it was only 4:30 in the afternoon. Brrr.....

My adventurous spirit comes out in certain areas, and roller coaster rides is one of them. But, it can't be spinny ones, ones that go straight up and down, or just backwards and forwards - those make me sick. That's why I did not ride this one, but the adventurous Torie, Bekah and Nick did. You can seee Nick in the midddle here with his arms stretched out wide. Bekah has little hand waves.

Here we are waiting our turn to shoot off on Maverick - I think it was the second best adrenaline rush of the weekend (Raptor was the best). And it was fricking cold up there! But it was worth it.

Since it was so windy on Saturday, many of the big coasters were either not running, or the lines were incredibly long because the other rides weren't open. (Did you follow that?) So we entertained ourselves with some of the "smaller" rides. Here we are enjoying the Derby Races - I believe I won that race!

One of the best parts of the weekend was the laughter. And Miss Bekah knows how to laugh, and to make you laugh. In fact, she even got a tatoo (temporary) while we were there and it was the Chinese symbol for laughter. Most appropriate! At times we laughed so hard, and so much, that we probably burned off any remaning calories that we did not burn off walking. Did I mention that we calculated we walked about 18 miles between Friday night and Saturday?

While the rides were amazing, the part I enjoyed the most was just hanging with all of us - while standing in line, riding in the van, hanging in the hotel room. My sister and I even had a throw back to our younger days - we got to sleep in the same bed. But I am not complaining because it meant I did not have to sleep on the floor.

We had three adults and four teenagers. You would normally expect that the teenagers would want to take off and do their own thing. Not these kids. They actually enjoyed hanging out with us and switched off riding with us. These are four amazing young adults and I enjoy hanging with them a lot. Torie and Bekah, thanks for being seniors and having some time off from school so we had an excuse to go have some fun.

I love my family, and I love their friends. Thanks for taking me with and making me feel like part of the gang. My life would not be complete without you.

Over Exposure

2011-10-02T21:22:00.000-04:00

Life is good - I have some balance back. I have enjoyed catching up with my friends and family these last few weeks. It's amazing how much can go on in lives in a few months.

As I go back over those conversations, a theme keeps coming back to me. Vulnerability. The reason these relationships are so close and meaningful is because we are willing to be vulnerable with each other. We lay it all out. We don't hold anything back. Good or bad. We tell it like it is and don't judge. We cry with each other for the sad AND happy times. We become indignant on each others behalf. We call/text/email just because we were thinking of each other. We take turns "puking" out our feelings; and we don't keep score when our "turn" has to take a backseat again because the other person needs it more.

Exposing our inner self to another human being can be petrifying. We face rejection. We face judgment. We face being fodder for gossip. So why do it? Why risk it? Because the quality of your life will increase. You don't have to wear those masks that put on the happy face when you aren't really feeling happy.

I'm not saying that you should tell everything to everyone you meet. You need to foster deep relationships, earn that respect, and take a chance. If you don't have that kind of relationship currently with anyone, start considering who you might be comfortable taking a chance with and set up some time to talk. Take the first step...you won't regret it.

What next?

2011-09-25T19:47:00.000-04:00

It's hard to believe that it was eight months ago that my sister and I were challenged to RUN a 5k sometime this year, and we accepted that challenge. We were not runners, never were, and never had any intention of becoming runners. Yet, we (I) could not turn down a challenge like that coming from my BIL Greg. And yesterday we fulfilled that challenge with Greg running/cheering us on as we ran. Michelle finished first at 38:35 and Greg and I finished at 38:37. And my parents and niece were there cheering us on from the sidelines. It was a very cool moment.

It would be so easy to just check this off my to-do list and move on to something else. No more running, no more races. But it is not that easy. Technically, I have only been running for just over two months. I shaved 1:15 off my PR that I set back at the beginning of August. I'm proud of that considering what else went on in the month of August. But it's not enough. I want it to be better. And, dare I say it, I actually like running. I love the feeling when I'm done (usually). I want to push some more.

This year of turning 40 has been amazing. I truly think that this is one of the best moments yet because of all it represents. And, because I had my sister by my side, along with my BIL, and then my parents and niece cheering us on. I could not ask for much more than that. And a year ago, I never would have thought I could do this. Yet here I am, on the other side of success. Who knew?

My next challenge - a 10K in 2012. Can I do it? Watch me!

Balance is a fine line

2011-09-12T21:51:00.000-04:00

I was a bit unsure tonight of what to do with my time. By 7pm I was home, had stopped to grab some groceries, fixed/ate/cleaned up from dinner, ironed some clothes and picked up. Then I had to think about what to do. So I sat and read until the Tigers came on. And it feels awesome!

Work/life balance is a tricky business. I feel like I am finally back on track, or headed in the right direction, and it is amazing how clearer things are in life.

I learned a lot over the past two months in the midst of chaos. First and foremost, I was re-affirmed in how much I love my family and group of friends. From the cleaning of my condo, ironing of my clothes, flowers just because, dinner, words of encouragement in many forms, and grace to let things slip my mind and not hold it against me all leave me speechless. I am humbled by it all, and then some. I hope I can repay it in some small way.

And now, I get to reconnect with every one of them, in time, and be reminded again about why I love each and every one.

Yes, life is good. Balance is at the top of my to-do list.

Push it

2011-09-08T21:45:00.000-04:00

I hope I am not alone in this, but have you ever had something that you just did not want to do, or participate in? What did you do when you were confronted with that? Did your response depend on what stage of life you were in, or other things going on in your life? How would you respond to a situation like that if confronted today?

I have had a few things today that I just did not want to do. But I did them. At the beginning of one of the activities the thought fleetingly went through my mind that I just could not do it. I was done. It hurt too much to do it. But I started doing it. I gave myself small goals and pushed until I reached each one and then made a new goal. And I completed the task. The whole stinkin' thing.

Life is like that. It is so easy to look at something and think that you just cannot reach the final outcome because there is too much to do/face/hoops to jump over. If you break it down into smaller bites, it is easier to digest and before you know it, you are at the final lap. By then, you can look back and see how far you have come and realize that yes, you CAN finish this one final thing. And when you do, you will feel a huge sense of accomplishment.

Don't give up before you start. If you can't fully commit to it, commit to the first step and go from there. But do push yourself - you will thank yourself for it in the end.

The Sacrifice

2011-09-05T21:09:00.000-04:00

I was blessed this weekend to spend time with my brother Mark and his family in Kentucky, along with my parents. I do not get to see them very often because of the distance that separates us, so any time spent with them is precious and savored.

One of the reasons we went this weekend was to see Carter play soccer. His team was playing the Fort Campbell Middle School soccer team, which is located on the Fort Campbell Army base on the border of Kentucky and Tennessee. We drove to the base about an hour away and had to go through the process of being admitted on to the base. We were a bit early so we drove through it just a little bit and were amazed at how it is a city on to itself.

We were thrilled to see Carter and his team pull out a win with a final score of 5-2. Carter did not get a chance to score a goal, but he still played hard.

As we sat there and watched the two teams warm up and then play, I was struck but the reality that every single young man on the other team had a parent that was serving in the US Army. Throughout their lifetime that parent was likely absent for significant periods of time because they were serving our country, protecting our freedom so that we can live in the country that we live, have the "right" to say and basically do whatever we want. It is not just the military personnel serving that are making the sacrifices...their families are making just as much of a sacrifice.

I know how big a part my siblings and their spouses play in the lives of their children. I cannot even imagine if one of them would be away from home for extended periods of time, and then have the distinct possibility of them never coming home. And, who would step into the place of them to be a role model and teach their values to their children, or to be a back-up to their spouse?

I will not soon forget the images I saw at Fort Campbell over the weekend. And I do not want to. Our soldiers, and their families, need all of the support that we can give to them. What can you do today to show your support?

Sound the Alarm!

2011-08-28T21:59:00.000-04:00

I had the best laugh this afternoon. And it also was a bit embarassing. Although I am not sure if anyone actually witnessed it.

I had a small window this afternoon of some free time in between work. I had that time all planned out and there was not much wiggle room. I was forced to wiggle it around because of some unforeseen circumstances.

I reached my destination and was getting ready to get out of my vehicle. My new vehicle that I have had for about a month and a half. Somehow, I set off the car alarm. I had no idea what to do to shut it off. I was whipping my owner's manual out and could not find what I was looking for. I actually started it up and drove off down the road (alarm still sounding, lights still flashing) and drove to an empty parking lot down the road.

When I shut the vehicle off, it stopped. Then I did something and it started again. I kept looking in the manual and could not find it. I thought if I drove again and shut it off it would stop again. I was wrong and was now in another empty parking lot. I seriously afraid that someone was going to call ZPD. I made a panicked call to one of my closest friends since I had bought the car from her parents. I was hoping that 1) she would pick up and 2) that she would be with her parents or that she would know what to do. No luck. But I bet she got a good laugh at the message, including the blaring horn in the background.

Finally I found what I was supposed to do, got out and shut it off. I'm embarassed to say how easy it was but, I will never, never forget what to do again. I can say that the alarm works and would likely scare off anyone trying to steal it. Oh, and I found out that the alarm shuts off after two minutes. It was just coincidental that it stopped when I shut the car off.

Although this whole ordeal wasted about 20 minutes, I was able to get myself back on track and still fit everything in within the allotted time-frame.

And it gave me the laugh I needed for the weekend.

Woohoo!!

2011-08-25T20:45:00.000-04:00

My new job has been a bit, well, overwhelming. That's what happens when you come into a new job at the very end of an implementation of a new system. I have not had a free weekend since I started six weeks ago, and I have had many nights that I have not arrived home from work until after 10pm. I have literally sat for hours on end and my poor eyes are thinking they need a vacation from my contacts. Too bad my glasses are not something I really want to wear in public.

This weekend is the final weekend where I play a part. And the final step has be to 2/3 completed by Sunday night. That means that I get to work all.....weekend.....long. But, in my true spirit of looking for the positives in almost any situation, I have come up with my top 10 list of things to look forward to this weekend.

10. I likely get to work from home!!
9. Because of #10, I get to save on gas money.
8. Because of #10, I get to drink as much water as I want to without having to haul around several Nalgene bottles. AND I can put ice in it. (Don't ask.)
7. Because of #10, I get to say the sun all day long!
6. Because of #10, I have many options of what to grab for lunch, other than fast food. I can even cook at home if I want. Oh the joy!
5. I can still do stuff around home while I am working - like laundry and stuff. Good thing because they will likely expect me to show up to work on Monday in clean clothes, and it is not like they wash themselves.
4. If some of my family or friends would like to stop over and drop off treats, or at least distract me for a few minutes, they can do that without driving a long distance. (hint hint!)
3. I can sit in comfortable clothes and not worry about going out in public.
2. If the work goes well, we may be able to get it all done between Friday and Saturday and not have to work on Sunday. (Please, oh please, let this be the case.)
1. Next weekend I will not be working - I will be on vacation in Kentucky with some of my favorite family.

Yes, I am ready for a break. I bet that was hard to figure out.

Can't or Won't....which one do you really mean?

2011-08-21T22:04:00.000-04:00

I read somewhere the other day that the word "can't" is often used incorrectly. Often when we say that we "can't" what we really mean is that we "won't". What a thought provoking idea.

Have you ever stood in awe of something that someone else has done, or is doing, and think to yourself that there is no way that you can do that? Why not? What is standing in your way or holding you back? What would you need to do in order to accomplish the same thing? You may not be able to do it as well as the person you are watching, but I bet you can do it. The question is WILL you, or will you even TRY?

The fear of failure stops many of us from even attempting something. Society has put such pressure on everyone to be successful at everything that many will not even try new things. Why put yourself out there if you may not be successful? People may think less of you.....or so society insinuates.

I have learned over the last year or so that taking a chance is worth it. Take a leap of faith and see where you land. That leap can be extremely gratifying and you can learn so much about yourself and what you are capable of. But I can also tell you that sometimes you land in a place that you were not expecting and you need to re-evaluate how you ended up there. Did you jump off the wrong ledge? Was there too much of a breeze that swept you along? What am I going to do now that I have landed here? This is the very question I am struggling with right now. But the next steps, or leaps, that I take are what will define me. And I need to decide what those will be based on what I want to accomplish.

So take a chance....on yourself....and try something that you don't think you are capable of doing. You might be surprised at what you CAN do.

I Lost My Blueprint

2011-08-14T17:59:00.000-04:00

One of the things I have had to do in my new job is review a blueprint for our current project. No, it is not the typical blueprint that you usually think of that is used to build a building. But the concept is the same. It lays out the foundation of the project, decisions that have been made about particular areas, and then directs you where you need to go to accomplish the purpose of your project.

I don't know about you, but I could use a blueprint for my life. Of course we can look back and see where we have been, and then usually can figure out how we got where we are. But what I want is something that lays out the future....something that can show me where I am going, what milestones are going to occur, and what all of that is going to result in. Unfortunately, I cannot seem to locate my copy of the blueprint. I guess God has the only copy of it and He is not sharing.

Fifteen years ago I would not have imagined that I would be where I am today. I would not be living back in West Michigan. I would not be working in a non-legal position. I would not be single without any children. It just was not supposed to be like this. I had a plan. And the plan was smashed, little by little.

I also know, though, that I would not be the person that I am today if everything had gone the way I thought it should. I would not be as supportive of other people. I would not be as thankful for everything I have and every person that is in my life. I would not be the positive, upbeat person that I (usually) am. But I would also be a more trusting person, one that actually believed that God had a plan. I would be more dependent on other people.

I really wish that God would share His plans for my future, or at least give me a hint that something good will happen soon. But until that happens, I am choosing to live life to the fullest, and surrouding myself with people that want to do the same thing.

Seven Weeks

2011-08-06T22:38:00.000-04:00

I finished the 5K, and I was not last. I was not successful in actually running the entire thing for many different reasons, but I finished, under the time I wanted to finish. And I learned some lessons and set some new goals.

I have seven weeks before the big 5K that Michelle and I are running. I have lots of training to do between now and then. I have to focus. I have to make time to continue to train, even though the demands of work are going to creep in even more for the next month. And I can't wait!

As I was going down the race route tonight, listening to my awesome mix of music (thanks Marie!!), I realized that I was enjoying myself. I was amazed by what I was doing. I could not believe how far I've come since last year this time.

As a female, it is SO easy to simply focus on the scale and see what it is telling you and become completely discouraged. I still have my moments with that, but it's getting better. And it's not because it's going down quickly - it's not, or at least not as fast as I would like.

Instead, I need to focus on some other things that have been accomplishments and great strides. I realized this past week that my work clothes just really aren't working anymore - they are all WAY too big. It's a great feeling, but yet it's a pain because building up a professional wardrobe that you actually like is not done over time. It's done over a period of time as you add great pieces to it. And, it's not an easy thing to fork out all the money it takes to get what you want when you basically have to replace just about everything. And, when I went shopping, I realized that I have jumped over almost two complete sizes. I now kind of should wait until I am officially in the lower size so that I can buy clothes that will at least last me through the winter.

And I tried on a pair of pants from about 6 years ago that now fit again. Score!

I typically work out about 4 times per week, times about 7 weeks, that means I have about 27-28 workouts to rock this next one out. Is it possible? Abso-freaking-lutely. I can't wait to improve on the 39:48 from tonight.

#188

2011-08-05T21:42:00.000-04:00

My sister's going to kill me, and I'm afraid of failure or embarassment. All because of a simple 5K tomorrow. Let me explain.

Seven months ago Michelle and I were challenged to RUN a 5K sometime this year by my brother-in-law Greg. Neither of us have ever been runners, never intend to be runners, we are walkers; but we agreed to the challenge. Sometime in the fall. After we have had months to train/cry/pray for a season ending injury that would prevent it from happening this year. I even got a copy of Runner's Magazine for my birthday in January.

We picked the Susan G. Komen 5K in September to run in Grandville. It's a pretty large race, people of all skill levels, and it would not be in the heat of the summer. Perfect!

Heights of Hope, a wonderful community based organization in Holland Heights, started planning a fundraiser 5K for August 6. I know a lot of wonderful people from my church that are part of this organization and really wanted to come out and support them and the difference they are making in the neighborhood. I fully intended to walk the 5K. I know I can walk it - I do it just about every time I go out for a walk. I never intended on running it.

All of that kind of changed a few weeks ago when instead of just doing interval training with walking I kind of had to pick up my pace and start running in order to get my heart rate up. Walking was just not the challenge that it used to be. Now, I think I can actually run the entire 5K. But I'm doing it before the designated race that Michelle and I had set for seven weeks from now. I think she'll be okay with it? Please?

But I have to say, I'm nervous for tomorrow. It's the first ever Heights of Hope 5K, so it's not like it's this big pressure race. I've been reassured that I will not come in last, so that's reassuring. I did 3 miles last night but when I drove the route on my way home from work tonight, it felt like a lot longer than my normal route. Holy crap, what have I gotten myself into?

When I go do my workouts, I find some of the most non-public places to do them, especially when I run. I don't think it's a pretty sight. Now I'm going to do what? Go run in front of people? People that I know? Really? What was I thinking!

But I'm going to do it. And I'm going to do the Susan G. Komen with Michelle, Greg, my niece Torie, and maybe some others. And now I'm committing to doing one more in October because great things come in three's. And maybe I'll improve my time with each race.

And Greg, I need another Runner's Magazine - the issue I have is now old.

A New Home!

2011-07-26T22:46:00.000-04:00

I am ~~excited~~, ~~thrilled~~, sad to say that I have a new home, at work that is. Although I have still not officially moved into my new position full-time, I have been moved out of my home away from home, otherwise known as a cubicle. What's interesting is that as small as my previous work space was, my current one is even smaller. In fact, my office is currently my backpack and wherever I can find a spot to sit. Last week I spent nine straight hours in a basement. I've been joking that I am going to start carrying around a chair that folds up and goes into a bag because then at least I know that I will have a place to sit.

Seriously, I am thrilled to start my new position. But what I realized last week is how humbling it can be to start something that you really do not know a lot about. And you are not always sure who to ask. Or where to go. Or what you are supposed to be doing. Every day you feel a little bit better, and a little bit better. And then you start to realize what you have gotten yourself into and your heart starts to pump a little bit faster, both in anticipation/excitement and apprehension. A new challenge!

It was exactly three years ago this week that I was on vacation and got called into work and was told that the company had been sold and I would be losing my job in three months. God has made His presence known so clearly since that time and has never let me doubt that He is carrying me through and has big plans for me. From the two months of working two jobs, to the emotional turmoil that took place in dealing with certain situations, I have never been alone, though it often felt that way.

I'm excited to start this new journey. I hope it's the turning point for so much more than just work. This year of turning 40 has been an exciting one. And it's only just halfway done. So much more to do in the remaining six months. Stay tuned......

I can still learn new things!

2011-07-22T19:05:00.000-04:00

This week in the midst of absolute chaos, frustration and anxiety, I managed to learn a few new things, or at least be reminded of them. I guess I thought I knew everything since I hit 40. I was wrong!

5. There are some important things you need to do throughout the day - eat, drink, and use the bathroom. This week I forgot to do most of these. I had finally remembered to drink, needed to use the bathroom, became distracted, and then left to go home about an hour and a half later. I realized on my drive home that I forgot to take care of that and that my drive home is a really long one. But, no accidents. =)
4. Eating right, getting enough sleep, and being physically active are important things to get you through whatever you are going through. Running seemed to become my new best friend this week. It gets rid of your frustrations and helps you sleep really good.
3. Life is precious - from the moment the first breath is taken, until the last one is breathed out.
2. In between the breaths in #3, it's important to stop, take a breath, and look around to see what you are missing and then realize that things really are not so bad.
1. I am blessed to have a great job (or 2) and I am thankful to be able to work. Some are not physically able to and some want to and just don't have the opportunity. I have both.

Remember to look for the positives - it will get you through "those times" with a better perspective and some hope.

Where Everybody Knows Your Name...

2011-07-17T21:45:00.000-04:00

This morning I was walking into church when a lovely older man (who I don't think I have ever met!) said good morning and called me by the wrong name. It was not even close. Not even a name I would prefer to have. I just smiled, said good morning, and did not have the heart to correct him. This was not the first time I have been called the wrong name, and it will not be the last, I am sure.

It reminded me of the theme song from the show "Cheers" that was on many years ago.....not that I would ever watch something like that......but it was the words that stuck in my head. The section specifically that I recall is

Sometimes you want to go

Where everybody knows your name,

and they're always glad you came.

You wanna be where you can see,

our troubles are all the sam.,

You wanna be where everybody knows

Your name.

Isn't this true for all of us? Don't we want people to see us, to love us, to welcome us, to make us feel like we are a part of something? Even though this lovely gentleman does not have a clue who I am, I know that there are others that do love me, who have welcomed me into their lives, who care about what happens to me. In fact, I spent the night tonight with 11 of them. (Thanks Dad, Mom, Greg, Michelle, Jordan, Torie, Rick, Mandi, Jakob, Ethan and Aiden. We missed Mark, Sam, Gage, Carter and Ryerson.)

What saddens me, though, is that there are so many people in this world that don't have that. They are drifting through life, hoping someone will notice them, hoping that someone will even notice if they go missing. They may start out looking for those connections in the right places, but when those attempts fail they start searching it out in the less desirable places.

I drove past a church the other day that had a sign out front that said something like if you have Jesus in your life, you will never feel alone. I really would like to talk to whoever put that out because I think they are dead wrong. Jesus is in my life, and yet there are times that I feel alone. I may not be alone because Jesus is figuratively right beside me, but that does not change how I feel. Instead, I still believe that it is the fellowship of believers that really makes a person feel a part of something.

I hope that you spent today with people that not only know your name, but also who know your heart.

A Role Model to Remember

2011-07-12T20:50:00.000-04:00

When President Ford passed away four and a half years ago, I was riveted to the coverage of his life. I simply could not get enough. Part of it was the local connection, but the bigger draw was the life that he led. A true man of integrity, someone that could bring both sides together. A family man that was clearly devoted to his wife and children. Today's "leaders" could learn so much from this legend.

Now with the passing of Betty Ford, I am once again completely intrigued by the coverage of her life. I think that for me, Mrs. Ford is an amazing role model.

She was willing to take a risk by being open and honest about things that she struggled with and were not "appropriate" to talk about in polite company. At the time that she came out with her struggles, it would have been a risk to talk with close friends and family. She chose to go beyond that and reveal it to the nation. Wow. I'm a bit speechless and inspired.

Not only did she reveal what her struggles were, but she pulled herself out, overcame them, and then made it her passion to help others with same/similar struggles. Her legacy still lives on.

Her family was clearly near and dear to her, the center of her life. I love seeing the pictures of her and President Ford dancing at various functions throughout the many years. Their love for each other is clearly displayed on both of their faces as they smile at each other. The pictures and videos from President Ford's funeral still bring tears for me when I see her saying goodbye to him, touching the casket. Theirs was a love that many can only hope to emulate.

As we say goodbye to the former first lady, take a page from her book and stretch yourself. Leave a legacy. Take a chance, be real with those around you, and with those that you may be teetering on the fringes with. Make a difference in someone's life. Put your family before anything else.

Thank you Mrs. Ford for the great example you have given us to follow.

Pull yourself out of it.

2011-07-10T17:27:00.000-04:00

Okay, I am done with the pity party. In fact, I was pretty much over it once I wrote it out. If you intend on moving on in life in any way, you cannot dwell on the negatives. You have to focus on, or at least look for, the positives.

If we want to be "successful" in life, we need to be responsible for our actions, thoughts, etc. We cannot blame everyone else around us for the things that are occurring in our lives. We take credit for the good things so if we were truthful with ourselves, we would realize that we need to take credit for the not so good things, as well. Yes, there are times when that may not be the case, but not normally.

I pondered the lives of many of my family and close friends. I could find something "bad" that happened in every one of their lives, sometimes more than one thing. It may have taken some longer than others to get through it simply because of the circumstances, but every single one stood up, dusted themselves off, and moved on. They learned from it, or at least tried to. They took responsibility when necessary. They shared those tough moments with me, and others, and let us help them through it. And I have done the same with many of them.

So the bottom line is this - YOU are responsible for how you face the circumstances in your life. You may not always be able to change the circumstances, but you CAN change how you respond and react to them. Make it a POSITIVE response, LEARN from it, and MOVE ON! Because YOU are worth it.

Entertainment for One

2011-07-03T22:07:00.000-04:00

I was really looking forward to this weekend for several weeks, partly because I don't have to work tomorrow. More, I just needed some downtime. As this Sunday winds down, I have to say that I'm about ready to go back to work. For those of you that know my current work life, you are probably pretty suprised to hear that. But it has to be better than what this weekend was about.

Since I left work on Friday, I believe I have only talked to one person that I know. Everyone else has been a clerk at a store or a stranger at the beach asking if they can have my place by the water since I was leaving. It's been a pretty lonely weekend. But, alas, I have found things to occupy my time. Here's my top 10.

10. Made four dozen cupcakes for the 4th of July party and only maged to eat 2, which were actually carefully caculated into my calories for the day.

9. Spent my Saturday night doing laundry.

8. Finished making a present for a friend (Kelli, you are good to have Baby Kotman now; I will not have to spend sleepless nights finishing it)

7. Smashed the last half of a bag of tortilla chips for fear that I would actually eat the rest of them.

6. Thought about all of the people I could call/text to see if they wanted to do something and realized after the first no that I just couldn't take the rejection - I was better planning stuff by myself.

5. Thought about sweeping out my garage, which I think still contains beach sand from last summer, and chose to take a nap instead.

4. Started to catch up on my devotions that I have neglected for the past three weeks and decided that God and I just aren't on the same page right now - somehow I don't get what direction He's leading in right now.

3. Drove to Grandville to do some serious shopping with two different 30% off coupons and found that I couldn't even find what I wanted to spend money on. Wasted trip.

2. Started a mid-year review of my goals to see where I'm at and realized that 1) while I thought I was writing goals in January, I seemed to have not had the guts to make any specific goals and 2) I just don't have it in me right now to figure out new ones. At least not this weekend.

1. I worked up a good sweat every single day and felt better afterwards. And I worked up a good cry on one or more of these days. I'll take the sweating over the crying anyday. And crying while working on that good sweat is not a good idea - the sweat only makes the crying worse.

But the day is almost done. Tomorrow is a new day and I actually get to see people that I know and can have fun with! And yes, I really am fine - just wanted to have my own little pity party here.

The laughter has it!

2011-06-27T21:31:00.001-04:00

Sorry for being a bit wordy lately - I think it's a sign of spending too much time alone. I have things to say and no one around to say them to!

Yesterday I heard a great message regarding the need for laughter. So many people have either forgotten how to laugh or just do not have anything to laugh about these days. Sadly, some of those situations have resulted in some additonal emotional health issues, including depression.

Well tonight, I ended on a night full of laughter and thought I would share a few funnys here to help you have some chuckles Some of these are inside jokes so I apologize for those, but you are welcome to try and figure out what they are referring to.

I went to see my brother-in-law play in his softball game - I went to the wrong field. I can't say I'm that familiar with all of the parks in Hudsonville just by their name. I finally found my way there and I still got a front row seat! Hopefully I won't be mislead or misdirected for the next one.

Nick, my niece's boyfriend, gave me a bunch of crap. I pulled out my lawyer skills and was ~~argumentative~~, ~~confrontational~~, myself. I offered to help Torie re-break his finger since it was crooked and he threatened to snap me with a wet towel again. B-R-I-N-G I-T O-N!

Some people wanted to "bake a cake" but they really just wanted to bake a cake. Oh the confusion..

I innocently checked out my bro-in-laws butt, explained that he was my pseudo husband for some things so it wasn't a big deal and realized as I looked around that my intentions were not translated through my words....OOPS!! Good thing my lovely sister knows what I mean!

I made the mistake of telling some people I would see them at the awesome and amazing 4th of July party on Monday with bells on my toes........big mistake. They made it clear that they expect me to show up with bells on my toes....literally. Now I have to get creative because if I don't show up with them, I will never hear the end of it all night and it will annoy me and certain things could come out of my mouth that I don't intend.

So my night ended on a great note after I laughed the day off. I hope you can say the same!

Change IS possible

2011-06-26T21:03:00.000-04:00

I was paid one of the highest compliments yesterday that I would want right now. In the midst of our early morning coffee, MG told me that she had her husband had been looking at some old pictures and came across some that included me from a youth group event back in 2001. Neither of them really recognized me and MG said that how I looked in those pictures is not how she perceives me today. She sees me completely different. I pulled out my photo album today where I have the exact same pictures. You can tell it's me, but I am a very different person today. Inside and out. I was still working through a lot of things from my previous life, as already told in A New Decade. When I look at those pictures, I don't see the gleem and excitement that I see in myself today.

I talk about goals and goal setting a lot here (not that I always live by my own advice) and I want to re-iterate the importance of it again. If you don't know what you are striving for, how are you going to know if you are improving or getting close to where you want to be? How do you know if you are getting off track? How do you have people hold you accountable to keep you on track?

Ten years ago I was just trying to exist. I had no real purpose. I was just kind of going along, getting through each day. If I have to put a time-frame on when I really became focused, it was probably about three years ago. It was when I stood up for myself and put a final end to a relationship. Since I was closing a door on what I thought was my future, I now had to look for something new to strive for. And it was likely going to be just me going forward. So I started. One day at a time.

And here I am today, evidence that you CAN make a change, no matter where you are in life. You just need to want it and be willing to work towards it. It does not have to be a huge thing, but it has to be important to you. Take time to figure out where you are, and then decide where you want to be. Figure out the steps you need to get there and put a plan in place to walk through those steps. Then, take the first step.

The early hours

2011-06-25T22:19:00.000-04:00

Since I tend to get up pretty early during the week for work, my body seems to wake up at the same time on the weekends. Some family members still can't believe that I get up that early, considering I had a hard time making it to the last job by 8:10 when I only had a 10 minute drive. I guess I have grown up.

I have a wonderful friend that I meet for coffee/breakfast a few Saturdays a month and we meet at 7am. Yes, on a Saturday. But it is a wonderful time - we usually get our table by the fireplace, fresh coffee and bagels, and very focused conversation. This morning we had to make it extra early (6:30am). I keep telling her that I will only do this for her because seriously, that is early! (Although, I have to admit that I was awake at 4am this morning and checked email because I was waiting for something to come in - it wasn't there). As we left Panera this morning, we were met by a glorious morning. The sun was perfect, the chill was burning off, and the smell of summer was in the air. I love this time of day!

I headed off to the farmer's market and was struck by how great it was to be there early - the selections were all there, it was not super busy, and most of the people there I could run circles around so it really wasn't a challenge. It hardly took any time at all!

But my favorite was heading out for my walk earlier than normal. There weren't many people out, the temperature was perfect, and I was completely relaxed and focused. It was a glorious workout and I still had the rest of my day to enjoy!

I have truly come to enjoy and appreciate the early morning hours of the day. Even if I have nothing pushing me to get up and going on the weekends, I enjoy getting up early, making coffee and crawling back in bed with it and a good book. Or, if it is warm outside, going and sitting on the deck. After a good nights sleep, your thinking is so clear and concise and better decisions can be made, and others contemplated with very few distractions. If you aren't normally a morning person, I dare you to try it. You just might like it.

When it counts the most

2011-06-23T17:39:00.000-04:00

There are days that I wish I could stop learning, about things in general and about myself. Sometimes even weeks. Right now is one of those times.

I make a point of always trying to look for the positives in a situation, especially when someone else is in the not so positive situation. It is actually easier to do that when it involves someone else. The last few weeks have been extremely trying in areas other than my personal life, if that tells you anything. I have tried to stay positive, tried to be upbeat, tried to go with the flow. This week it is becoming increasingly difficult to do so. Yesterday and today especially.

But today it hit me. It is these very difficult times when my character is even more on display. These are the times that people are watching to see how you react, how you respond, how you handle yourself. That means I have to be even more diligent in how I portray myself. I don't want anyone to question my integrity so that means I need to stay vigilant at all times in how I come across. That is tiring, to say the least. I think I could have fallen asleep driving home tonight.

This trying time could continue to go on for at least the next month. I am not looking forward to it, at all. But I am even more determined to come through it with my integrity intact.

How do you work through these types of situations and how do you stay positive?

It's a process

2011-06-14T20:36:00.000-04:00

Tonight I had the privilege to go speak to a class that I was a part of three years ago, on healthy living. I'm amazed to look back and remember where I was back then, what I have gone through since, and where I am at right now. I was in a job where I felt stuck with no real room for growth. I was still trying to get over a relationship that had gone awry some time before that but kept coming back around. And all I wanted to do was change. And the change I wanted and desired was good change and growth.

When that class ended in July of 2008, I felt like I could do anything. My mind was in the right spot. I was focused. I was determined. I had more confidence in myself than I had had in a long time. Then my job situation changed and I lost all of that. Part of it was because I no longer had the time, or the energy, to focus on what needed to be done. The other part was because I did not know if it (I) was worth it.

Going back to speak to the class forced me to go back, review the materials we had discussed, and to talk about why I liked the class, where have I been since that time, and to try and motivate and inspire those currently in the class to continue on. I struggled with it for a bit and I still wonder why I was invited back again to speak. I have not been super successful with my weight loss goals since that time. I have waivered with my commitment to activity and working out. Why me?

I have concluded that going back to speak to the class was not necessarily to motivate them. Although the words that I uttered were for them, they really just spoke back to me. You are not going to be perfect. You will struggle. You will fall off the wagon. You need support. You need to believe in yourself. You can't let the words of others discourage you. Look for the positives in everything. Try things, even if it is uncomfortable.

There are so many things in life that I wish we would only have to do once and be done with it. But, that is not possible. Instead, life is a process. We keep learning, experiencing, failing. And then we learn from our experiences and failures, which make us want to have more/different experiences, and so on. The question is whether you are willing to put yourself on the line.

The other thing that was made so clear to me tonight as I was talking is about how important goals are. I have written about this before about how goal-setting is so vital to a person's development, and the necessity to check in on how those goals are going. I need to check-in on my goals and see where things are at, maybe do some fine-tuning.

No matter what your current struggle, challenge, adventure may be, don't stop. Start over right now. Commit to it; find a support person (or 2 or 3) and go for it!

What questions do you want to ask when you get to heaven?

2011-06-05T20:42:00.000-04:00

Friday when I learned of the death of a dear friend and co-worker's wife, all I could do was cry and ask why. We knew it was coming, but it does not make it any easier. Or the young man who died just last week while saving his young son from a lake. Why God? Why do you allow these things to happen?

I do not blame God for these situations, I do not think He even planned these. But I do want to ask Him how He could allow these things to happen? Was He there in the midst? Why do these families, and many others, need to go through so much pain?

We all have our things that are unique to our situations that we may want to ask God when we get to heaven. To some they may seem small and insignificant when compared to others such as those mentioned above, but it is important to you. That makes it significant to God.

I also have things that I want to ask like how He made the colors in a rainbow so brilliant in one, but then so pale in another? How did He choose which song to give to which bird? Why is the sound of water so soothing? How did He pick who got what talents? Why did He choose to let me be single?

The awesome thing is that we can ask those questions now. We may not get answers, but we can still ask them. I'm hoping that by the time I get to heaven, the answers to the questions will no longer be important because I am so overwhelmed by being in the presence of my Lord that all I can do is praise and worship Him.

What happened to hard work?

2011-05-26T18:23:00.000-04:00

Since I spend a fair bit of time driving to and from work each day, I spend some time listening to the radio. I am starting to notice the phrase "you deserve" used more and more in commercials. What I find interesting is what is being advertised when that phrase is used - you "deserve" to have your credit card balance erased; you "deserve" to have the body you want; you "deserve" ..........

I look back on my grandparents with great love and admiration, and everyone in their generation. They knew what it meant to work, to put in a solid day of labor. And then they went home and did more there. They shared with their neighbors; they respected the land. They appreciated what their bodies could do. They knew what it meant to be without and knew that in order to get what they needed they had to work for it. And sometimes that meant doing things they did not like doing, but it was what they needed to do to provide for their families.

My parents come from a very similar generation. They worked, and many still are working, very hard to support their families, made sacrifices for their children that many weren't aware of at the time, and never complained about it. It is just what they did. And they passed that work ethic on to their children.

Now the generation of "I want that and I deserve it so make it happen so I can have it" is starting to crop up. Sadly, it encompasses many different ages.

The commercials that advertise how those in credit card debt "deserve" to have their debts erased because the big banks have made millions just ticks me off. Other than the few people that have used their credit cards to literally survive, most others have just made decisions to purchase things. There is nothing wrong with that, as long as you realize that you now have made a contract to pay the money back that you borrowed for those things you now have. Why is it okay to somehow say that you don't have to pay the money back? Really? But you have the item that you purchased?

I look back to when I first moved into my condo. I didn't have cable so I had to use rabbit ears for my hand-me-down TV. If I had friends coming over to watch TV, I had to turn it on an hour or more before they came (especially in the winter) so that the TV could warm up. Otherwise, we had to watch the show through the squiggly lines. I did this for at least two years. And I survived. I didn't "deserve" anything else just because I wanted it.

I had the TV on while making dinner tonight and heard a commercial advertising about how you "deserve" a better body so just take this pill, do nothing else, and you can lose weight. Really. Really? And people fall for this?

I could go on and on with frustrations. But the bottom line is that NONE of us deserve a single thing that we have. We are ALL sinners, here but by the grace of God. To show your gratitude for the wonderful gift of life, give everything all that you have to give, all to the honor and glory of God.

It's all about choices

2011-05-15T21:42:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I had the opportunity and privilege to watch my brother-in-law Greg, and several thousand other people, run the 5/3 Riverbank run. I have to say that I am truly inspired after watching all of those people. I got to see the elite athletes at the front of the pack, and I got to see some people that were just gutting it out. But no matter, they all did it. They trained, they committed, and they finished. For those that were not able to finish, I feel so bad, but pick yourself back up and start training for next year.

This has been a year of so many eye-opening experiences and thoughts for me. I still think it has to do with me turning 40. It's like God has given me one AHA moment after another. And, I think He has given me the courage to speak up more and more than I have already done. I still am not sure if that is a good thing or not. I'll let you know....

After watching the run yesterday I am truly inspired to continue on my current lifestyle change. If Greg can run a 25K and pound through it like he did, then I can run a 5K. In fact, I believe we now have 5 of us that are going to run it if I can count correctly. And, we have identified the one we are going to do - only four more months to train. Gulp! But I KNOW we can do it.

Here is my AHA moment for this. Living healthy is not easy. In fact, it takes time, it takes thought, and it can take money. And, it can take courage and self-esteem like you never thought you would need. Let me explain.

I committed to a work-out program four weeks ago. Since that time I have worked out over 16 hours. And that's just doing cardio. And I thought I didn't have time, but instead I have chosen to take the time and make my health a priority. You know what, I absolutely love it. I have something to work towards and I can see changes already. I cannot wait for my re-assessment to confirm those changes. It also takes thought because I want to do this in a healthy way; no fad diets for me.

Just a side note - can I tell you how frustrated I get when I hear commercials that say stuff like you only have to take this pill and you will lose weight without making any other changes in your lifestyle. Are you serious?? People, we did not become overweight over night. And no one forced us to eat the wrong things or too much of something. WE chose to do this to ourselves. Now we need to take care of this. And a pill just is not going to do it. Okay, stepping off my soapbox.

It also can take some extra money if you want to truly eat healthy. When I got groceries yesterday, more than half of my food was what would be considered fresh produce. But it actually accounted for about 2/3 of my entire food bill. It is so much cheaper to eat crappy. This world we live in is messed up - why are we satisifed with eating processed food because it is cheaper, rather than concentrating on buying fewer items and making them higher quality?

As for the self-esteem thing, that's a tough one. I hate excercising in public. Hate it. But I love to walk and do not like doing it on the treadmill. Why, you may ask? How many times have you been out walking when someone yells out obscenties at you as they drive past? How many of you drive past someone walking along the road you are traveling and you think "step it up honey because you aren't going to lose anything that way"? You don't think this really happens? I can tell you that I have been called things as I walk along the road. Now, I just have my iPod on and make sure that I can't hear anything around me. And someone confirmed for me that she has had those thoughts about people walking along that they are walking too slow.

But yet, it is about choices. I have made a choice to get out there and do everything I can do to become the healthiest person I can, in the healthiest way I can do it. Because I am worth it. I really do not care anymore what anyone thinks as they drive past me - at least I am out doing something. And for every person out there working out that I pass as I drive by I send up a little prayer of thanks that they are out there trying and mentally cheer them on.

To my friends and family that have encouraged me through all of this, and will continue to walk beside me, figuratively and literally, THANK YOU!

So where are you at? How are you currently treating the temple that God has give you to care for during this lifetime? YOU are worth it. How can I help?

Celebration of a Mother

2011-05-07T20:25:00.000-04:00

While it's great to have a special day to celebrate our mom's, I am thankful every day for mine. She is a constant source of encouragement, support and a shoulder to lean on. She is one of my best friends. I am excited to be able to have her at my place tomorrow so I can cook a meal for her, which she has done so many times for me. She deserves to have some attention showered on her because she does it so much for other people. I'm blessed, beyond measure, to have her as my mom. I love you Mom!

I have so many great family and friends that are also wonderful mothers, wives and role models to those around them. I'm blessed to be part of their lives and to see how they are influencing their children as they grow and become functional members of society. And, I have others that are on the verge of motherhood for the first, second and third time. Three new babies in the next three months - I can't wait!

But Mother's Day is not always a happy day. Some people here the word mother and immediately it brings back a rush of mixed feelings, such as abuse or abandonment, or the untimely death of a mom Or a mother that is ravaged by cancer, or a mind taken by Alzheimer's. I'm praying for you today.

But Mother's Day can also be heartbreaking for those moms that have lost a child, through miscarriage, abortion, or the untimely death of a child. Or the women that long to have a child and have tried and tried and are just unable to conceive. Or the women that long to have a child and simply have never had the opportunity to even consider this. I'm praying for all of you today.

For the mom that is having a difficult time with their child/children today, step back and thank God for them. You have them, and you can hug them. Love them. Give them the best of you today and always. Help them make a difference in the life of someone else.

To all moms, thank you for choosing life. Thank you for taking the time to love your children and give us the best life that we could have. Your sacrifices have been immense and we will never be able to repay you. But we can pass it on to the children around us.

Ready for a Change Revisited

2011-04-30T17:27:00.000-04:00

I'm ready for a change, again, and since I already wrote on this, I thought I would repost it. I really could not say it any better today than I did two years ago. I hope you are challenged and are willing to make a change, too.

This weekend I watched one of my favorite movies again, Facing the Giants. Now I know lots of people say it has poor acting and it could create unrealistic hope in people, but I still think that it has several good messages in it.

I think one of my favorite sections of the movie is the death crawl scene on the football field. A blindfolded football player carries a fellow teammate on his back across the entire football field. Brock thought he could do it maybe 20 feet, but because he was blindfolded and just kept giving all he had, he made it 100 yards. So the question is, in what area am I not pushing myself hard enough because I don't think I have it in me? Oh the list that I could write..........

Mr. Bridges is comes to challenge Coach to "bloom right where [he] was planted" until the Lord moves him. Coach said he had been praying and just wasn't feeling or seeing anything. So Mr. Bridges talked about two farmers that desperately needed rain, but only one farmer was preparing his fields to receive the rain. Which farmer am I? Am I preparing my "field" to receive God's rain? What am I preparing my field for? I'm going to save this for another post.

Finally, the Coach is in a moment of crisis for many different reasons. He seeks the Lord all night long and in the morning, in the fresh light of day, he reads the promises that God has made to him. He asks God to reveal himself to him, and he declares that if the Lord will not fulfill his desire to have children that he will love the Lord anyway. In turn, he asks his wife if the Lord never gives them children, will she still love the Lord. I, too, have to fill in this blank but it's difficult to do. My only real dream in life that I really, really want is to get married and have children. So if the Lord never allows that to happen, I will still love Him and Him alone, no matter what. It just means He has another plan and purpose for my life and I need to be trust Him.

So ask yourself these three questions:

In what area are you not pushing yourself hard enough because you don't think you have it in you?

Are you preparing for rain?

Will you still love God even if ______________________?

Hope Springs Eternal

2011-04-21T20:04:00.000-04:00

Before I went on vacation, I was extremely overwhelmed by work, exhausted with the tasks of trying to entertain myself outside of work, and just plain antsy. Vacation helped to take away the exhaustion and bring some calmness back into my life but I dreaded going back to work on Monday and getting back into my "normal" life.

But this week has been, overall, a pleasant surprise. And part of that is because of some things/situations that have brought hope back into my life and perspective this week. The hard part, though, is that I can't talk about either of them! I can't really even hint about what they are about. I guess you need to stay tuned.....

I think having hope is kind of like dreaming. Some of our dreams may never come true, but it's still fun to participate in hoping and wishing things would come true. If we had nothing to look forward to, nothing to aspire to, or to hope for, life could be pretty depressing and unjoyful.

What are you dreaming about? What are you hoping for? If you aren't doing either, take some time to identify some dreams. It could make all the difference in your attitude.

Truth be Told......

2011-04-16T21:52:00.000-04:00

Telling the truth these days seems to be very difficult. We have seen leaders of our country, and others, lie to us and then just blow it off. All of us have lied at one time or another and it is not something that I ever want to do on purpose. As difficult as it may be to tell the truth, the results of telling a lie will likely be even worse.

So why do we avoid telling the truth? I think we avoid tough conversations, in general. We have become a group of people that avoid confrontation at all costs, or we choose to do it by electronics. I admit, I have avoided some conversations I should have had lately by vaguely talking about things on here, getting my frustrations out, instead of having the talk with the person/people I should have had. I am committing here that if I have a problem with a specific person, I have to talk it out with the person, rather than vaguely talking about my opinion on it. It is the right thing to do, and the fair thing to do. And, if I am not willing to talk to the person about the problem, then it must not be worth it.

How are you doing with having those tough conversations? Are you able to lovingly tell someone what you need to say, and how open are you to hearing something that you maybe need to hear? I need to work on both of these areas and I am starting today.

Cleaning off the film

2011-04-09T19:14:00.000-04:00

I don't know about you, but I am sick of the crappy weather we have had lately. Today finally has brought sun AND warm weather, which will hopefully stay. All I have wanted to do lately is open up the windows and start the spring cleaning. Anything that means I don't have to continually wear layer upon layer since I refuse to wear a winter coat anymore.

Part of spring cleaning always involves cleaning the windows. I'm not sure how it happens, but there always seems to be a film of grime on the windows. And until you do clean them, you don't realize how cloudy things looked through them. Instead, you accepted it because it came on gradually. But now that the view is much crisper, things are much more enjoyable to look at.

That's how I feel about life right now - I need to clean off the grime that has created cloudy thinking in my choices and thought processes. I have known this has been a problem for a while, but I simply have not had the time, energy or ability to take care of it. Work has sucked the life out of me more than it ever has before, which has again poured over into life outside of work, what there is of it.

But, thanks to a great friend, I am headed off to Florida in less than 2 days. Our only purpose on this trip is to rest, relax and rejuvenate. I have my stack of books sitting here and it is just a question of which ones are going with me. My journal and pen are ready to go, along with some materials to help me wade through some more goal setting, vision defining and life changing considerations. I'm ready to do this and to come back a renewed person, with fresh perspective.

As I left work on Friday, excited that I was officially on vacation, I realized that I have not taken more than two days off in a row from work for more than a year. Instead, it's been a day or two here and there. Part of that is because I work so hard before going trying to prep everything for the great co-worker that covers for me, and then I have to work even longer hours when I get back to catch up from being gone. I often have thought why do I even bother. But now, I realize how important it is. In a way, I think employers need to start insisting that their employees actually take their vacation so that they can come back a happier, healtheir employee and be even more productive.

I think my body is starting to realize that it's going to get some downtime. But, it's not all healthy. Instead, I'm fighting off a sore throat. I cannot tell you the last time I was sick - it has been years. So that tells me I let myself get too run down.

How about you? Do you have some grime that you need to clean off to clear your vision? Do you need to take some time off to help you do that? Don't let it get too cloudy or it may take even longer to get back a crisp, clean view of life.

Who Knew!

2011-04-04T21:08:00.000-04:00

I have had the ultimate epiphany - dating is like trying to decide what kind of toilet paper to buy. You can go for the cheap, small rolls because they are on sale, but then you have to keep getting more and more to replace the ones all used up. Or, you can be patient and choose to go with a family pack of double rolls, which means that they last and last and don't break at the first sign of tears. I think I'll hold out for the second choice.

High Expectations

2011-04-02T20:09:00.000-04:00

I seem to have this curse of high expectations, not only of myself, but those around me. I have talked recently here about the expectations that I have of myself, and I seem to have set that bar pretty high. Now I am trying to figure out if the expectations I have of those around me are high because it is what should just happen, or if it is me projecting it on to the person. A few examples have come up in the last few weeks and I will protect the places/people as much as possible. Some of them I would like to "expose", but I will not do that officially on here.

My recent frustrations are not with friends and family. Instead, they have occurred in consumer transactions, service providers, etc. I worked in the retail industry during high school, college and part of law school in a customer service role. Because I know how I treated my customers, I have the same expectations for those who I am working with at a store.

I recently bought a new chair and ottoman. I had gone to this furniture store previously and had a not so great experience. But, I liked the piece of furniture and decided to give the store another chance because the first time could have just been a fluke. Well, unfortunately, it seemed to have occurred again. From the time I ordered my chair until it was actually delivered, a three month period had passed, instead of the four-six weeks they had quoted me. The delay was really due to the manufacturer but wat frustrated me, though, was the sincere lack of communication from the store, an inability to follow through on returning phone calls with information, and then the final blow was when they delivered the furniture dirty. The long delay and the damaged furniture would not necessarily have prevented me from going back to the store. Instead their response, or lack thereof, has helped to make the decision that I will never go back there. To not even receive an apology for the damanged furniture kind of sealed the deal. I could make a big deal out of it, but from these two experiences it is pretty clear, to me, that this store really does not care. My sales will not make or break their business, but they can bet that I have told several people the story and it does not reflect well on them. Too high of expectations? I don't think so.

I usually do my grocery shopping at the north side Meijer store. They always have a greeter there when you walk in to say hello and welcome you to the store. There are a few that I always appreciate having there when I come in, especially one elderly gentleman. He always has a sincere smile on his face, has a gentle voice in speaking to you, and really makes my day when he happens to be there. Just by being kind and polite, he exceeds most expectations.

I think what really frustates me, though, is when you set aside time for a meeting and you hold up your end of the bargain and the other person does not, and that other person never gives any kind of explanation unless you ask. It's one thing if it is a friend, but it's another situation when it is a business transaction, or a potential money-making endeavor for the other person. A simple acknowledgment that they forgot and are sorry for the inconvenience would be sufficient. But to not even do that is a bit ridiculous. My question is do they want to grow the business or not. I will give one more chance to this particular endeavor, but I'm not really confidant right now.

So are my expectations too high or is it that we have lost the art of common courtesy and customer service? Businesses need to realize that a happy customer tells his/her friends about their great experience, but an unhappy customer is likely to tell even more.

Working through the fears

2011-03-27T21:06:00.000-04:00

All of us have something that we are afraid of, something that makes us edgy, uneasy, uncertain. I shared a few of mine a few weeks back in Fear of Failure. Sometimes the hardest thing to work through is admitting the fear. But by doing so, you acknowledge it and someone may be able to walk beside you and help you work through that fear. That person may have the same fear that they are working through, they may have worked through it already and are on the other side, or they may just know a lot about it and still be able to help you. Do not be afraid to express it!

Recently in talking to some friends, I found out that some of my irrational fears are actually shared by them, or by people that they know. If nothing else, it made me feel normal. How many of you have a fear of calling and making an appointment? Calling for a pedicure appointment, a doctor's appointment, or most any other kind are pure torture for me, and I do not know why. I talk on the phone all the time, have to be quick on my feet, but this scares the bejeebers out of me. I am kind of thankful that I have a fear of calling and ordering a pizza, even if I am going to pick it up. Otherwise I may be eating way more pizza.

I have been working my way through a chronological Bible for my devotions and I am currently in the Old Testament. Moses is someone that I can definitely relate to. God asked him to go to Pharoah and lead the Israelites out of Egypt. He was petrified and tried to come up with any excuse that he could. Yet, God had a response for every single excuse, including just simply asking Moses to trust Him for some of them. Moses did and, he became one of the greatest leaders in the Bible.

I'm not saying that working through my fears will lead me to anything close to what Moses was called to do, but I do believe that God can help me walk through some of them. Sometimes it is thinking about things less than what I do and just let them happen. (Yes, at times I overanalyze and overthink, especially when I things are completely out of control and I need to have control over something.)

This week I am going to work through some of these (I have appointments to call and make) and be okay with it. I'm not perfect, but I'm working on it. Because I'm worth it. What fears are you working through or need to work through? How can I help?

Awkward Moments and other Kentucky Adventures

2011-03-20T21:16:00.000-04:00

I spent this weekend in Kentucky visiting my brother and sister-in-law, and three of my nephews, along with my parents. As always, we had a GREAT time! But when you are all together for about 36 hours straight, there are always funny things that come up, happen, and will likely come up in conversation at a later time. This weekend was no exception.

Gage, the 14-year old, lovingly gave up his bed for me so that I didn't have to sleep on the couch or an air mattress. To show him how much I appreciated his kind act, I didn't think and called him out for clothes/towels on the floor, drawers open, etc. Oh well, he gets his bed back tonight. Thanks buddy!

Even though Carter is 12, he still cuddled up next to me and sat and watched TV with me. He completely made my weekend, again!

Ryerson, the now 6-year old, did another dot-to-dot and colored it for me. He even signed it so that when he is famous some day, I can say that I had one of the first.

The drive home today took us a total of 7 hours and 10 minutes. We are still a bit stunned by this because normally it takes around 8 hours. Personally, I think it was my driving the first leg of the trip (I drove a bit over the speed limit).

The best "moment" of the weekend, though, was last night. Mark and Sam and the boys have been watching several TV shows on Netflix, including "That 70's Show". We had heard about some previous "awkward" moments with Sam and Carter involving this show. It can't happen twice, right? WRONG! So Sam and Carter were watching an episode and I came in to watch with them. It was an episode where Eric and Donna have sex for the first time and they are talking about it with their friends. Sam and I just kind of look at each other and don't say anything and secretly hope Carter won't ask any questions. Then my mom comes in to watch. Then my dad. Then my brother Mark. And they end the episode with the insinuation of them having done it again. Really, three generations of a family should not be watching a show like this. It just creates some awkward silences. Enough said.

A great time was had by all and I miss all of them already!

Fear of Failure

2011-03-13T21:52:00.000-04:00

Life has been a challenge as of late, in all areas of my life. I think it hit me last week/this weekend how much it has affected me and I was forced to face some hard truths. I push, push, push because I do not want to fail, or be perceived as someone who is failing. But what really is failure? Is it the opposite of success?

I have been pushing myself on a couple of things in my personal life and, I have to admit, I have utterly failed in the last three weeks. I made conscious decisions about doing/not doing things and then I lamented afterwards. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I would feel a lot better if I done the opposite of what I chose, but now I have to live with those choices. Each day I start out believing that it's a new day and things are going to get better, and unfortunately, they didn't. So what to do? Do I just accept that I don't have it in me and give up? No way!

The way I see it there are two kinds of failures - the one where you try something and you just don't get it right. The second one is where you simply don't try something because you don't want to fail. I think I'm currently struggling with both types in one way or the other, or at least my perception is that I am failing.

My sister kind of freaked me out this weekend. I think I mentioned this earlier this year, but my brother-in-law challenged my sister and I to RUN a 5K sometime this year. I took it on as a challenge and said sure, why not. It's been on my mind a lot the past few weeks and then my sister tells me that my niece and her friend want to run it with us, too, and that there are going to be quite a few more people coming out to cheer us on, maybe even to run with us. Are you serious??? I hate to have people see me workout because I just am not happy with who I am. Running is at the top of my "don't like to do" excercise list and now I not only have committed to doing it, but people who know me actually have to see me do this? I don't know if I can do this and if I don't, I fail. I don't like to fail.

I have felt like a complete failure at work recently because there are things happening that are out of my control. Key words - out of my control - but that just does not seem to sink in to my head and help me realize that you cannot fail at something when you have no control over it. Instead, you need to handle how you react to the situation and that is something you can control.

I'm still trying to wrap my brain about what this all looks like. I don't think I'll have it figured out any time soon. If you have some ideas or comments about how you have pushed through times like this, I would love to hear them.

Another One?

2011-03-02T20:26:00.000-05:00

This is the last week of my on-line "class". It's been an interesting 6-8 weeks, that's for sure. I've been a bit frustrated because while I was so excited to get started and dive in to the "Dream Lab" it took forever to get going. And my excitement kind of drained. By the time we really got to the heart of the class, I was so bogged down in work (again) that I just didn't have the time I needed to really focus on it.

But, that does not mean that I learned nothing. I love the book that it was based on, Brene Brown's "The Gifts of Imperfection". I have now read the book twice and will likely read it again sometime in the next month or so.

I think the most meaningful "Guideposts" of the book/class for me were #3 Cultivating a Resilient Spirit: Letting Go of Numbing and Powerlessness, as well as #6, Cultivating Creativity: Letting Go of Comparison. The ones I struggled with the most were #8 Cultivating Calm and Stillness: Letting Go of Anxiety as a Lifestyle and #10, Cultivating Laughter, Song and Dance: Letting Go of Being Cool and "Always in Control". I'm still working through these.....it may take awhile.

So now I sit at a crossroads because as an "alumni" of the dream lab, I get a special rate on the actual Mondo Beyondo class. This class has been in place for over a year and there is an actual curriculum that they have put in place. Do I do it, do I not? It's only five weeks. Do I make more of a commitment to this? If I don't do it, what will I miss.

The Vermont Expedition

2011-02-28T21:14:00.000-05:00

Overlooking Lake Champlain on Thursday

I went to Burlington, VT for my first work trip (with this employer) last week. I was supposed to fly in Thursday, have our meeting Friday morning, and fly back home Friday night. Well, all of that changed with a lovely snow storm that dumped about 10 inches of snow on Friday. Because the airport is a wee bit small, I was not able to get a flight out until Sunday morning. So, I had to make the most of my time and items that I took along. Here's my Top 10 list for the weekend:

Overlooking Lake Champlain on Friday

10. Walking through parking structures to get to where you want to go keeps the wind at bay, and you have less slush to walk through. Oh, and really only do it in the light because it can be kind of creepy at night.

9. Packing with the plan to be gone only one night does not leave you with lots of "extras" when you end up spending three nights. I only had to buy an extra pair of socks. My momma trained me right when packing and including things for "just in case"!

8. My best last-minute addition to my suitcase was my winter hat - I would probably be sick right now if I had not included that (and actually worn it!)

7. When you do not plan to be out in the snow, you do not take shoes along that are snow appropriate. I think my one pair of shoes is ruined, and they were not the best for walking the miles that I did looking to entertain myself.

6. I discovered it is easier to flirt with men who I will likely never see again, than with someone that has potential for more. I'll let you analyze that one.

5. I went to a movie by myself for the first time, and I really think it will be the last. It was a great movie (The King's Speech) and it passed the time, but it is not as much fun by yourself.

4. I get enough "me" time or "alone" time here at home - I did not need it this past weekend. Thank you to my four wonderful family and friends who called to help pass the time, knowing full well that I would be going crazy!

Overlooking Lake Champlain on Saturday

3. Saturday night was the only night I had dinner alone and I really wanted to put a sign on my table that said "Please do not feel sorry for me. I am stranded here on business and I really am not a lonely person that goes out for dinner by herself".

2. I get crabby if the plans change too drastically from what I was expecting. The plan changed too much this weekend!

1. I had been tossing around the idea of opening myself to some other locations for the development of my career. After missing my niece's bowling tournament on Saturday where she was trying to qualify for the state finals, I am convinced that I cannot do that. I had to rely on text messages from my sister giving me updates about her awesome day where she finished 21st of 76 girls. And I had to miss it! My family and friends mean way too much to me and I am right where I am supposed to be.

Why do we do it?

2011-02-21T20:41:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I finally got around to doing my lesson for my class last week. I just did not have the time or energy last week to do anything with it. When I finally looked at it, the irony just made me laugh. The two Guideposts we looked at were "Cultivating Play and Rest: Letting go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as Self-Worth" and "Cultivating Calm and Stillness: Letting go of Anxiety as a Lifestyle". Seriously??? I needed to have this reminder after last week.

It is so easy to get caught up in just going on auto-pilot - get up, go to work, come home from work, get things ready to go to work, go to bed, repeat. And I have to throw some other things in there like family and friends. Oh, and I have a house to keep and everything that goes along with that. And then I feel guilty when I can't meet the needs or wants of everyone around me and start feeling guilty about that and trying to figure out how I can fit more of those demands into my life.

And then yesterday happened. I took a day off from everything and everyone, except for myself. I slept in until 8am!! I drank coffee in bed and caught up on devotions and finished a book. I never even put my contacts in! I spent some time journaling and contemplating life. And I determined that it is okay for me to block time out for myself. Even if I have a "free" night, it really is not free because it's set aside for me. And I do not need to explain that to anyone. In fact, it makes me want to surround myself with people that understand that, that support that time for me because they are doing it for themselves, too.

When one of my co-workers said to me on Thursday that my eyes looked tired, I wanted to laugh. That's what happens when your alarm goes off at 4am two days in a row and it didn't make a difference because you've been awake since 3:30am anyway! Why do we do this to ourselves??

The general lifestyle of most people today is so much more busy than when I was growing up. I remember my dad having meetings at church a night or two each month, he had his bowling league on Wednesdays, but that was about it. Otherwise we were all home during the week together, eating dinner and then doing homework and watching some TV before bed. I wonder how true that is for any households these days? Instead, we are all over-scheduled, over-stressed and seem to enjoy nothing really in life.

Is it worth it? Where is it getting us? Do we have better relationships with each other?

I've determined, again, that I need to create downtime for me. I have to define what that means, but I'm determined to do it. I don't care if I do nothing but read. I need to turn my brain off for awhile. I am betting that most of you reading this need to do the same, or you know someone that needs to do that. So how are you going to create the time and space you need? What does it look like for you?

You can do this because you are worth it!

Blinker or no blinker, that is the question

2011-02-17T20:35:00.000-05:00

My drive to/from work lately has been pretty calm, which allows for a lot of contemplation about whatever, including on what I see around me. For quite some time now I have been fascinated (or annoyed) by how people around me drive. Did you ever notice how many people turn, or switch lanes, without using their blinker? They give no notice to the person behind them that something is going to happen. Instead, they kind of slide back and forth.

Or what about those drivers that clearly see that cars are coming towards them but they are in such a hurry that they just pull out in front of them anyway, forcing the cars with the right of way to slam on their brakes. It is even more annoying (or dangerous) when the roads are slippery and ice-covered.

So, you ask, what does this have to do with anything?

Life is kind of like a blinker. Some people are clear about where they are going and they make it clear to the people around them where they are going. They use their "blinkers". Sometimes it may not be obvious to a lot of people because they are using them when no one is really around. Other times, they are an example to so many by being true to who they are and staying the course.

So the next time you use your blinker or see someone else using one, ask yourself what kind of person you are: going in a clear direction and making it obvious, or someone who is just veering off in front of people. Then you need to decide if you are okay with where you are. If not, what are you going to do to change it?

It's all about perspective

2011-02-15T21:46:00.000-05:00

We live in an interesting society, especially in light of all of the technology that we have at our fingertips. We have the ability to look up an answer to a question 24/7 as long as we have access to the internet. Looking for someone that agrees with your opinion on a particular topic? You can probably find one by looking on-line. While this may help you in an argument, it really does not get to the heart of something our current society has a hard time doing - -having a true discussion about something that has meaning.

I have a feeling that my last blog post Happy S.A.D. was not taken the way it was intended - my perspective on an issue with a bit of my version of humor and sarcasm thrown in. A great friend and co-worker took a chance and gave me her perspective on the issue. She did not tell me that my perception was wrong or that I was off base. She accepted me where I am and came to walk beside me with her own ideas. She opened the door to a great conversation. (Thanks HDB!!)

Unfortunately, as a society, we are afraid to challenge someone in their ideas or to offer another viewpoint. We are afraid that our ideas will be rejected, that we will be ridiculed, or something else. As a result, many conversations can be pretty meaningless. I detest small talk as a general rule. That's why I have a pretty small group of close friends. I like to catch up, find out what has been going on in their life, but then I like to really find out what has been going on in their life. And they do likewise.

On the other side, we need to be open to someone challenging us in our thoughts. If you are approached in a way that is respectful and polite, you at least need to consider what the other person says. Ultimately you do not have to agree, but you at least need to keep an open mind.

Don't settle for the status quo. Instead, help make this world a better place to live in and think beyond the ordinary day-to-day stuff. Challenge each other in your thoughts and ideas and be ready to listen. I think you will find more meaning to life.

Happy S.A.D.

2011-02-12T17:10:00.001-05:00

**A quick note - I am so excited that this is my 50th post on this blog and I have just over 2500 hits to my blog since starting it just shy of two years ago. Thanks to all of you walking with me on this journey and laughing right along with me. I hope this post doesn't disappoint.**

The anticipation for Monday to come is so overwhelming that I had to post early. Happy S.A.D.!!!! (Singles Awareness Day) While I was out and about today, I could feel my excitement building. I went out for lunch with a great friend at 1:30 and we had to wait, all because these couples are assisting Monday's celebration by going out for lunch/dinner/dessert this entire weekend long. It is so cool that they want to help!

The sales going on right now are amazing, especially in the jewelry department. Who knew that buying myself a gift could be so dumb much fun?? When else can you get such a deal? Wait, I think it was at Christmas time, the last time I was celebrating a semi-S.A.D. Oh well (shrugs shoulders) I guess I'm worth it to buy myself gifts.

And flowers - such great deals out there! It will only cost me $79.99 to send myself a dozen red roses. But I don't want to be like everyone else at work and have the same floral arrangement sitting on my desk. I think I'll go in a different direction and buy myself a pair of shoes for the same money.

But the amazing thing is how much church is helping me celebrate right now. We have had a sermon series going on now for what, six weeks, on the family? And how cool is that they have it continuing right through S.A.D.!! I just need to show up Sunday morning, be gracious and listen while the pastor preaches to everyone else around me who has a family, and be understanding that this needs to be talked about. And, after all, since that is what I would like to have ultimately I just need to listen and file things away in my head until that day occurs. I should be thankful that they even allow me to come and participate and not ask for my family ID at the door.

The best part is that I get to wear one of my best colors to work on Monday in celebration - black! I just don't look good in red and black is slimming and shows off my gentle blonde highlights. Maybe a hint of "surprise" lipstick will make it look even better.

To all of my wonderful dear friends who are celebrating with me, Happy S.A.D. and please know that you define your worth, not someone else. Please join me in saying "I AM WORTH IT!"

Hmmm...

2011-02-10T18:54:00.000-05:00

I am so glad that it is Friday Eve...you have no idea. But, it has still been a fun week, full of interesting adventures, eye-opening revelations, and gentle reminders. Here's what made the Top 10 List:

10. I love my lime green workout shirt, almost even more than my hot pink one.
9. What is said at Panera Bread stays there....maybe it was even burned in the fireplace as it came out of our mouths...
8. It's okay to let people see your emotions every once in a while. It shows you are human and that you have feelings.
7. I miss my mom and dad even more when I can't talk to them.
6. My "skinny" pants are now part of my "too big" wardrobe.
5. It's easier to get through "Friday Eve" than it is to get through "Thursday".
4. My recipe for carrot cake rocks.
3. I have a side of me that most people would never imagine - I like to knit - and I am currently scoping out the most perfect color yarn for some blankets I am going to make.
2. I can do this! (you guess what "this" is)
1. I'm still worth it!

Avoiding the situation

2011-02-06T14:22:00.000-05:00

This has been an interesting week in my "class". Monday's challenge for the week was to "say no to numbing". We were supposed to make a conscious decision about letting go of one of our favorite numbing activities until the weekend. It was only going to be for 4-5 days. We weren't committing to getting rid of it forever, it was just for the week. I consciously made the decision not to do it.

My numbing activity at night would be Facebook/email/internet in general. It's what I do when I eat dinner, sitting in front of the TV. It's how I feel "connected" at night when I am all alone. It's how I try to deal with some of the really emotional junk I have to deal with at work. It's sometimes how I look for hope in this seemingly hopeless world. As I journaled yesterday about this activity and my decision, I realized it was a dumb decision to not participate.

I think I've been fooling myself these last few weeks. As hard as it is to admit this, I think I've been numbing my feelings about how much I feel like a failure going into my 40's. I have tried to be positive and put on a happy face and let everyone see that I've got it together. Well, I think I kind of lost that today when I cried in front of my middle school Sunday School class when I got a bit too frustrated with them. Not one of my proudest moments, but I pulled it together and finished the class. And, I think my students now realize that I'm human, too, with real emotions.

Working through this crap is hard work. It's even harder when you have to do it alone, or you choose to do it alone. I am so glad I have my family and friends to lean on in these situations because, as I've determined, I'm worth it.

What are your favorite numbing techniques and what can you do today to try to ease away from them and start feeling the feelings?

A Weekend to Remember

2011-01-30T21:00:00.000-05:00

Several months ago, as I anticipated turningthe big 4-0, I made a decision that I was not going to spend it alone, and I was not going to spend it at home. So I gathered my closest friends (including my sister) and made plans to rent a house at Silver Lake. That turned out to be one of the best decisions ever. I will not forget last weekend for a very long time, if ever.

From the moment we walked into the "cottage", we knew we had a winner. The comfort of our accommodations only made the weekend that much better. As people often do, we gathered in the kitchen while preparing meals/snacks, and were able to linger around the dinner table and laugh and talk about the funny or the serious. The gathering area provided a cozy area to watch movies, play games, linger over coffee, or even an arm-wrestling match. (I won, by the way!)

Saturday morning proved to be snowy and cold, but five of us ventured out on cross-country skis and snow shoes. It was great to get out, see the incredible winter wonderland, and work a bit of our food off. And, we had fun out there. By the time we got back, we appreciated the warm house, a hot shower, and dry clothes.

My friends gave me a very special gift on my birthday, a memory book. It is full of pictures and stories of us together, or their thoughts on our fun times, or comments on what I mean to them. They went beyond this group of friends, though. They also contacted family members and other friends and asked them to participate. This book brings me to tears every time I page through it. The pictures are of happy times in my life, of happy times of being with friends and family. They captured it all. My love language is words of affirmation and they gave me the best gift ever. This will hold me up in those times when I question what I'm doing here and I will treasure this always.

Although the weekend is over, the memories are still with me. And, I have some specifics that I will carry with me for awhile. I have the best sister ever. I have friends that would stand beside me, and have, through the good, the bad and the ugly. Many of my friends have now become friends. By being myself, and being open, honest and vulnerable, I can affect the lives of those around me in a positive way. No matter how old you are, you need friends beside you. My family and friends love me and took the time to tell me in my memory book. I love life and I want to make it the best life ever. Because I'm worth it.

Because I'm Worth It

2011-01-26T20:30:00.000-05:00

So my Dream Lab class has been a bit slow in getting started, at least for me. Part of it may be that I was a bit distracted the last few weeks getting ready for last weekend. Or, it may be that we are finally getting into what I was hoping for. Whatever the case may be, I like today's "group activity" and thought I would share.

We are working through trying to identify our true selves and were given the task of coming up with our own mantra. It's not as easy as you may think, but I finally have identified the one that I am going to claim as my own, at least for the rest of 2011. (I think I need to come up with a different one for each year going forward.) And my mantra is:

BECAUSE I'M WORTH IT

It's not that I have thought that I'm not worth it before, but I think I have finally realized and accepted that I am okay just as I am. But because I'm worth it, I want more for myself. I want relationships with people that are healthy, that are a two-way street, that are growing in the realization that being part of a community means being real and vulnerable with each other.

Because I'm worth it, I want a better relationship with my Lord that loves ME, even just as I am. He thought I was so worth loving that He died for me, no strings attached except to accept His gift. You can't feel more worth it than that! And because of this, I want to make sure that He did not die in vain.

Because I'm worth it, I want a healthier me, mental and physical. To make sure that is happening, I need to continue to work out the frustrations I have, either through journaling, talking with other people, or just letting it go. (After today, the last option is kind of tough). But I'm also worth taking the time to eat better, get enough sleep, and make my whole body stronger through exercise.

Becase I'm worth it, I can say no to people around me who want to keep pulling me into things because I "should" be doing these. I can take time for myself and not feel guilty about kicking back and spending a night reading. I can choose to buy myself some fun clothes and not feel bad, because I worked my a** off at work to earn my paycheck and I'm not going to let someone else's snide comments bother me.

Because I'm worth it, I'm going to love myself. I am not going to place my worth on whether someone else loves me or not.

So what is your current mantra?

Just the Way You Are

2011-01-18T21:26:00.000-05:00

There are times I love my 35-45 minute drive home from work, especially when a great song comes on the radio and I can play it as loud as I want and sing at the top of my lungs. Today was one of those days and I thorougly enjoyed singing along with Bruno Mars "Just the Way You Are". I have sang this song numerous times before, but today while singing along I started to think more seriously about the lyrics. I know, surprise, surprise.

If every woman was told that she is perfect just the way she is, on a regular basis and truly believed it, I think we would would have a happier world all the way around. We are constantly bombarded with these "perfect" images - on TV, in magazines, on the internet. We are constantly comparing ourselves to others around us. I can walk into work in the morning feeling really good about myself, completely put together. Then I walk in the bathroom and run into another co-worker who I think looks better than me and instantly I am not quite as confidant. That actually happens to me pretty regularly. In fact, it is one particular person and I do not even know her name!

If I am feeling that as an adult, I know the pressure on younger women is even worse. Teenagers can be so critical of appearances and if they feel the don't measure up, the results can, literally, be deadly.

That is the world that we live in but it does not mean that we have to settle for where things are at. Instead, start focusing on one person, and then move on from there. Instill in your daughters that they are beautiful just they way they are. A little comment can go a long way and stick with her all day long - my mom/dad thought I looked pretty today. A little confidence may have her grades improve, and have her start looking to her future.

To all of my wonderful family/friends, you are ALL beautiful JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!

Forty (almost) and Fabulous

2011-01-16T20:43:00.000-05:00

A lot of people turn 40 and it is simply just another day for them, nothing spectacular. I would like it to be that for me, but I do not think that is possible. Turning 40 this week could completely overwhelm me if I let it by dwelling on all that I do not have yet, and all that I want. Instead, I am choosing to celebrate all that life has given me, and all that life has to offer.

I am going into my 40's healthier than I entered my 30's and that excites me. Every time I go shopping I find new workout clothes that I need for my new activites. To have an entire load of laundry every week of just workout clothes has never happened in this household. And, most of my "want" list that I keep has a lot of stuff related to working out. Hmm....

I have been told that I have some of my "boldness" back. This is a really long story, but the short version is that several years ago at a Youth Unlimited convention that I was at as a leader was somewhat lifechanging. Specifically, a leader from another church was praying over the leaders of our group because of so many issues going on with our kids. As she went around the group, she prayed for boldness for me....boldness to say what needed to be said (or that is how I remember it). Well, it took me a bit to do this and at first, it kind of back-fired. I then lost that boldness for awhile but now it seems to be back. And it seems to be better honed then ever before. Just saying, you have been warned.

A list of "to-do's" has been started...things I want to do this year in celebration of life, and things I want to do in the next 10 years. I am taking on the challenge of my brother-in-law and am going to RUN a 5K by the end of 2011. I can walk this no problem, but running is not my thing. Well, I am going to make this happen. (I just hope he is done with his challenges after this!) Depending on how the 5K goes, in 2012 I would love to do a duathlon. I have been on a bike trip in the past and loved it. Why not combine the two of them.

I want to have an article published in a magazine. I love to write and think I do okay at it. I'm not sure what I would write about, but it is something to strive for. Now to find someone that thinks what I have to say is important enough to publish.

I am blessed with an awesome sister and 7 amazing friends that are taking time away this coming weekend to spend it with me in celebration. We have rented a house somewhere north of Holland and are going to hang out all weekend long. What we will do will remain a mystery to all but us. I can tell you that snowshoes, cross-country skis, games, movies, and drinks are all traveling with us. Beyond that, I guess you have to be there. I can't wait!

I can make this the start of an amazing rest of my life and that is what I intend to do. I would love to have you walk along on this journey with me. Stay-tuned for more.....

From one extreme to the other

2011-01-14T21:19:00.000-05:00

This week has been one of extremes - things so frustrating that all I can do is laugh, to the other of crying with friends over the death of loved ones. I've had my share of shake your head stupid things happening - my garage door was frozen shut when I left for work one morning, at 5:45am. Thankfully I was awake enough to figure out what I needed to do. I had a small fire in my toaster, with flames and everything, but no serious damage was done. I just have to buy a new toaster and, well, I didn't have toast that night. And work, well that's another story.

And then there were the deaths of three people I know this week because of that ugly thing called cancer. One of them was a husband of a dear friend, gone at way too young of an age. And all I feel is helpless. There are no words to say to the families of these dear people. It makes you hug your loved ones closer, or it should. And again, it makes you contemplate your own life and how you are living it.

I leave this week behind knowing that, if the Lord allows me another day, I will live it with peace in my heart and with lots of adventure. If I only have a short time left, then I want to live it to the fullest. I'm not going to waste it doing the things that I'm supposed to do - I'm going to live it doing the things I want to do.

How are you living your life? Don't live it wondering "what if I had..." or "I wish I would have....". Just do it!

What was I thinking!

2011-01-11T19:44:00.000-05:00

Holy crap! What was I thinking signing up for this class?! It is only day 2 and I'm a bit freaked out. By the time I finally had a chance to sit down and go through the first "lesson" last night and read all the comments left by the other class participants, there were over 67 comments! By the time I logged in today, there were over 150 comments, just from today. Wow. And the really daunting thing is that they all seem so in tune with who they are, or they are all on this really heavy emotional journey. Umm...not real sure where I fit into that.

The cool thing, though, is that there are people from all over the world - Australia, New Zealand, Canada, Netherlands, Ireland, and many more. And, people are from all stages of life - young, old, married, divorced, men, women, parents, single people, and so many more. I don't think I've ever been involved in something like this before.

But I started this journey for a reason and I'm going to complete it. No matter what. Stay tuned...

New Year, New Goals

2011-01-05T21:40:00.001-05:00

So 2011 has finally made it here and I am in awe that I am already more than halfway through the first work-week of the new year. Amazing how time is flying again. But I can't complain about how fast life is going - I have to jump on board and keep up.

This past weekend I took some time to do some journaling about last year. I went back and looked at my year-end entry from 2009 and my goals for 2010 and what I read, or did not read, kind of surprised me. It was the shortest one I had written in several years. And, I never actually wrote out my goals for 2010 and laid out what I was focusing on. That explains so much about last year - I was SO unfocused. But I think it was easier not to write them down, or I just could not get my mind around them to do it.

Thankfully, I am in a very different mind-set right now. I spent quite a bit of time reflecting on last year and you may have read some of them in my last entry detailing my 2010 highlights. Now I am ready to move on to goals for 2011. I spent some time drafting some of them, but I am not completely done.

I am sort of hesitant to "lock-down" my goals, at least until next week. I signed up to take an on-line course at Mondo Beyondo Winter Dream Lab. I can't wait for it to start! I have always dreamed about the future, but I just feel ready to figure out some new dreams to strive for and see what I can unlock as I go through this course.

I do have to say that I have not told very many people about this and part of it is because of the very mixed reactions I have received. Some have been very excited for me, and others just are not really sure. Those mixed reactions made me question whether I should be doing this. Well, no more. I really do not care what people think. This is something I feel I need to do right now, for ME, and I am jumping in head first. If you have reservations about me doing this, please keep those thoughts to yourself.

The next few weeks I may be really chatty on here, or my posts may be few and far between because I'm working on my journaling elsewhere. I promise to come back afterwards and give you some insights that I came away with.

What are you dreaming of?

2010 highlights

2011-01-01T20:38:00.001-05:00

I know it's 2011 already, but I actually made this list last year, so I think it is appropriate to post it now. And besides, this is my blog so I get to do what I want. =)

10. Seeing Greg, my brother-in-law, ride Maverick at Cedar Point and not, literally, have a heart attack. 'Nuf said.

9. Recent announcements by family and friends of the expectation of new life next year. If I am not going to be blessed with my own children, then I am going to take full advantage of getting my baby fix in other ways.

8. Meeting many new people who played a part in my journey of life. I guess God does know what He is doing.

7. Having the courage to be open and honest on here and to be affirmed by comments from various people that I am okay and normal.

6. Spending time with friends in Traverse City, Chicago, and the beach and knowing that each moment was time well-spent.

5. Reading my niece's blog and getting a glimpse of who she really is. What is scary is that she is a lot like me (I feel very sorry for my sister!) and has been pretty open and honest on her blog, as well. I love her and want her to write more!

4. Seeing my oldest nephew, Jordan, graduate from high school and then go off to West Virginia University this past fall to start on his exciting future. He, too, is a wonderful young man and I am blessed to have him as part of my family!

3. Spending Saturday mornings at Panera Bread with an incredible friend. Seriously, who knew that having coffee at 7am on a Saturday is worth getting up for? These are the times when we are the clearest in our thoughts and feelings. I am already looking forward to the next time.

2. Going to Florida over spring break to celebrate Jordan's senior year of high school. I had the privilege of hanging out with him and all of my sister's family and several friends that came along. It was an amazing trip that I will likely never forget. And, I got to spend so much time with Michelle, my amazing and wonderful sister!

1. The best thing of 2010 was finding hope in life once again. That is about all I can say right now about this, but I am sure more will be coming out in the next months/year.

I am blessed to have had these things happen in my life, but now I am ready to move on to 2011 and see how I can top these experiences with new ones. I can't wait!

Sigh.....

2010-12-26T19:13:00.000-05:00

I cannot believe that tomorrow is Monday already. This weekend has absolutely flown by with lots of preparation, followed by lots of celebration. I have enjoyed seeing and catching up with many family members. We spent a lot of time laughing, lamenting, remembering, and anticipating the arrival of new life in the next few months. Great times!

But I am tired, exhausted, drained. The holidays bring so much anticipation, hope and anxiety. On my "day off" on Friday all I did was prep all of the food I had to take to the parties this weekend. Then the rest of my weekend was spent at those celebrations. Now I am trying to get my mind back in the game to return to work tomorrow and I'm just not ready.

What I have realized, though, is how much "energy" plays a part in our daily lives, both mentally and physically. I have been compiling a long list of things that I need to get done in the next week or so, kind of year-end types of things. I have not marked off a single thing on that list. Instead, it just keeps growing and growing. Part of that is because I just have not been home long enough to do anything, but the other part is just that I do not have the mental strength left to do it, or the physical energey.

Life is such a balancing act. If I am well rested, have exerted enough energy through a work-out, and had some well-balanced meals, I am unstoppable. I can whip out more work, both at home and at work, than one could ever imagine. The problem is that it is so difficult to have all three of these things in-sync at the same time. But that does not mean that I should stop trying.

With one week left of 2010, I hope to get some balance back in my life so that I can start planning for 2011.....maybe even start making a list of dreams. I am going to go out with a bang! What are you going to do?

Are you satisfied?

2010-12-22T19:32:00.003-05:00

With Christmas only a few days away, I should probably be blogging about my feelings on Christmas. But, I'm not really feeling the celebration this year (I don't even have any decorations up) and I'm ready to move on to the new year. So if you are still working on the excitement of Christmas, revel in that feeling and you can read this next week.

This is the time of year when people start working on New Year's Resolutions. For me there is a certain stigma that I attach to that, namely that I can never keep them. Instead, I like to focus on "goals" for the upcoming year. But let me explain how I came to this point.

It seems like in any job that you are in your boss inevitably asks you "where do you see yourself in 5 years" or what are your "goals and aspirations". I have to be honest, I detested this question in past jobs. I did not really feel like I had an opportunity to really develop professionally, or the desire, so it was difficult to really develop something like that. Instead, I just kind of blew it off. Now I love to look at what my future could hold professionally.

But for some odd reason, this idea of goals took hold of me in my personal life. It all started with a journaling session about 7 or 8 years ago. It was coming to the end of the year and I just started writing, and writing. I wrote about what had occurred in the past year, highs/lows, good/bad. And then I started coming up with what I wanted to happen the next year, and then how I was going to make those things happen. Goals with a plan....that's what I did. The very thing I detested.

Over the past few years I have continued to do that each year. It has been a cleansing experience in some years to just write the past year off and realize that a new one was right around the corner where I could start a new chapter of life and move on.

But the one thing that I realized thr0ugh all of this is that I am never satisfied with where I am currently at. That does not mean that I am not happy, it just means that I know I can do better. It is just a question of where I want to grow/develop and then figuring out how to get the outcome I desire. Some years were so elaborate that I even set up a spreadsheet with check-offs. I would review those goals weekly, monthly, and then quarterly. I do not seem to have as much time on my hands these days as I did back then, so I am not nearly as elaborate.

I've realized, though, that if I fail to review those goals on a regular basis and check-in to see how I am doing, I forget about them. I forget about my excitement when I wrote them down. I forget about the plan I had to make them happen. This year has been one of those years.

I'm ready for this year to end. It has not been the worst year I can remember, but it has definitely had its challenges. I'm ready to move on to 2011. I just have this feeling of a need for new beginnings. I'm not sure why, but I'm going to embrace it.

So I am gearing up for some major journaling next week. I've already started lists of highs/lows and goals for next year. I can't wait to actually start writing. It's amazing what flows out of that pen and onto the page. I doubt the majority of it will end up here, but a few tidbits may show up.

Here's my challenge to you: are you satisifed with the life that you currently have or do you want more? And by wanting "more" I'm not talking about more money or things. But it's up to you to figure out what that "more" is for you. Take some time in the next few weeks to reflect on life. What has been good, what could you do better at, and how will you do that? If you are looking for some general areas to guide you, I tend to set goals in four areas: relationships (this one always causes the most reflection), spiritual (this will be a struggle for me this year), personal health (this one excites me the most right now) and financial (always a great challenge). If you have other areas that you think are important, I would love to hear what they are.

Don't settle for okay. We were created for greatness. You define what that is and go for it!

Life is Short

2010-12-13T21:15:00.004-05:00

This is a time of year where most people are thinking of spending time with family and friends. Time is consumed by making lists, checking them twice, and then going out and buying for all of those lists. But not everyone is doing that.

I was reminded again today that life is short. Cancer takes the life of so many people and when it is someone the same age as me, it hits close to home. It makes me start to think. What if that was me? Would I be ready to leave this earth and go to my heavenly home? What kind of legacy would I leave behind? Would anyone come to my funeral? Have I made a difference in this world? I know the answer to some of these questions - people would grieve over my death and come to my funeral. But I do wonder if I have made a difference in this world.

So if you knew that you only had a short time to live, what would you do with that time? I think there are a few things that I would do. First, I would make sure that my relationship with God was where it needed to be. Then I would make sure that all of the people in my life that are important to me knew that, that they are important to me, and why they are important. Finally, I would want to make sure that all of my affairs are in order so that those left behind could make things happen smoothly.

For most of us, we have no idea when our life may come to an end. We are living our lives as if we will live forever. We give no thought to the idea of "If today were your last day....." Why don't we? I do not want to leave this world thinking that I left business unfinished. I want to have lived life to the fullest, taken some risks, and know that I gave it my all. I want to love hard, even if it breaks my heart.

Are you ready? What legacy do you want to leave if today were your last day?

What do you think?

2010-12-05T15:17:00.002-05:00

This morning at church our pastor talked about blind spots. Normally we think of blind spots when we drive - those places around your car where you may miss another car/object. If you don't look all around, you could miss something and cause an accident. Unfortunately, we have blind spots in our lives, as well.

I know I have blind spots. I just do not know what they all are. I can be very focused on something, sometimes so much that I cannot see the bigger picture, which is not always the best thing. I can be stubborn. I have opinions, on just about everything, which I will often share, depending on who I am with. I could go on.

I am always trying to improve who I am, how I relate to people, what I give back to this world we live in. I think it is one of my purposes in life. I think it is something all of us need to continue to do. At the end of each year, I journal my thoughts on the past year: highlights/lowlights, successes/failures. Then I look towards the coming year and lay out some goals. As I get ready for that time, I need to know where I am at.

This is where you, the reader, come in. As far as I know, the only people reading my blog are family and friends, and I believe all of them are friends on Facebook. That means that you have met my "test" to become my friend and that, on some level, I trust you. I want to know what you see as my blind spots. If I do not know how others see me, I will not know how to improve on where I am at. My only request is that you do it in a kind way, that you do not post it on my wall on Facebook, or in a comment on the blog. Instead, you can send me a message on Facebook, send me an email at ksbrower@gmail.com, or we can always talk about it by phone or in person.

Here is my challenge back to you - what are your blindspots? Do you have people in your life that you 1) trust enough to ask, and 2) will be honest with you if you ask? If we take this seriously and continue to improve who we are in Christ's image, this world will be a better place when He returns.

Friends and Nodules

2010-12-03T19:47:00.004-05:00

What an amazing two weeks it has been. I have had the blessing of getting together with some of my peeps in the past two weeks and just catch up on life. If you know me, I am all about relationships and diving into what's really going on in life. To be able to have done that several times over and feel connected to these special people in my life is amazing.

But, because I have spent so much time talking with people, I fear I now need to go back to some isolation. I think I'm in the process of developing another vocal chord nodule and I need to stop it before it gets worse.

About three years ago, I had my first nodule. I became progressively hoarse over a several month period after having a spectacular birthday celebration. By the time I was diagnosed with the nodule, I was put on complete voice rest for a three week period. It started to show some improvement after this rest so I was put on limited talking for the next three months. Right. That was a difficult task when I spent so much time talking for my job. Not to mention that I am a relational person that spends a lot of her free time talking with people. It was a difficult summer.

So now I had a wonderful time in Cedar Point about a month and a half ago that included several screaming episodes. I talk at work...all...day...long. I have basically spent most of my free time for the past three weeks talking and I'm starting to get my sexy, scratchy, throaty sounding voice back. I guess it is a good thing that I am caught up with friends and family because I'm going into hibernation for awhile. I'm limiting my voice use so that I don't have to go with no talking. I don't think I can do another time period with no talking. I depend to much on my relationships to get me through life. If I don't answer my phone, don't take it personally.

I guess I'll be going back to some email communication again. And yes, I promise I will try and be better about replying back sooner.

Recent Events

2010-11-27T09:43:00.004-05:00

I actually do have more going on in my life than just my "deep thoughts". So I thought I would share some of my recent moments from this week and maybe you can have some laughs, too.

In the event that you are looking to get a tetanus shot/booster anytime soon, I have a couple of suggestions. First, make sure you get it in an arm that you do not necessarily have to use for a few days. Second, make sure that you do not have huge plans for the next few days. I had one on Tuesday and I have felt pretty crappy since. I do not get sick so dealing with a fever for a few days was a foreign concept, one that took my awhile to figure out what was even wrong. The sore arm was pretty obvious from day one. I'm happy to say that I can finally lift my arm about shoulder-height and not completely cringe from the pain. I have a pretty high pain tolerance so to be in that much pain just was not fun. I have a whole new appreciation for the little children that get shots.

Wednesday night started out with so much to offer. I was meeting parts of family for pizza to celebrate my nephew Jordan being home from college. I arrived a bit early because I wanted to do a bit of shopping at a few stores downtown Holland. As I started walking across the parking lot, I caught a glimpse of a guy that I had gone out with several times. It has been several years, but I think he still harbors some bad feelings towards me since I broke it off by email. Yeah, I probably deserve those feelings, but we just were NOT meant for each other. But, that does not mean that I want to run into him and have to speak to him. So I kept walking and realized that he was going to the pizza place I was going to eventually be. My mind started working overtime and I realized I could not walk in there by myself and had to wait for my family in the parking lot so I could walk in with them. Thank goodness for texting!

If that was not enough, as I crossed the street I saw a very distinct looking car and thought it was the last boyfriend. Are you serious??? I have not "talked" to him in about 2 years and now he has to be here, too?? Thankfully, it was not him.

Thankfully my "pseudo" husband met me in the parking lot, along with his family, and we all walked into the restaurant together. (my brother-in-law fills in as my "husband" when certain things need to be taken care of, such as prayer before dinner when it's at my house) And, I did not see HIM, so I am assuming he did not see me in there, either. The niece and nephew were intent on finding out who he was, but their hopes were dashed.

But the weekend ended up with some wonderful memories of seeing all my family together Thanskgiving night. Seeing my oldest nephew sit there with the youngest on his lap, and the others sitting around him, brings tears to my eyes. Because of the physical distance between us, we had not done this since last Thanksgiving and it made me realize, once again, how much I love to see my family together. For now I have the memories and the pictures to remind me how great of a family I have until the next time we can all be together again.

And now, I get to catch up with all my close friends sometime in the next week. I am going to focus, again, on how blessed I am in my life. Including the size smaller coat and jeans that I bought for myself yesterday.

Thankful

2010-11-21T07:25:00.006-05:00

I think I've given the wrong impression with my last few posts that I'm not happy right now. That is definitely not the case. Although I have struggles that I am working through, overall I am the happiest I have been in a long time.

That brings me to why I am happy. With Thanksgiving just around the corner, it causes me to reflect on what I am thankful for. I have heard many people tell me that they keep a journal where every day they write down a few things of what/who they are thankful for and why. I think that is an awesome idea becaue it keeps those things right at the forefront of their thoughts. I may consider doing that after the first of the year.

Here is my Top 10 List:

10. I am thankful for a wonderful job. It's been just over two years since I moved to my current company and position and it has been an amazing journey. Don't get me wrong, there have been plenty of days where I have struggled and just wanted to walk out the door. But then there are the days that I leave feeling like I have made a difference in someone's life and been able to reassure them that everything is going to be okay. And, it helps that I have an amazing boss that supports me in what I do and is there just to listen if necessary.

9. I am thankful for the freedom we have in our country. With the recent elections that we had, it came to light once again how free we are to say and do whatever we want here in America. That does not mean that we should be doing that, but we can without fear of being carted off to jail, or worse. But the good side is that we also have the freedom to worship our God whenever, and whereever, we want. As a country we do not take that opportunity enough and we need to work on that.

8. I am thankful for the West Michigan area and the beauty that we have here. After having moved away for several years and then coming back, I realized how blessed we are here in West Michigan to live where we are. To have the beaches, dunes, wooded areas, etc here is amazing. I love the lake being just a quick drive away for those days when I just need to clear my head with a walk along the water, or to be able to sit next to it and journal my thoughts away to the sound of the lapping water. If you do not take advantage of what your area has to offer, I would encourage you to get out and explore!

7. I am thankful for all of the tests God has put me through. I look over my life since I graduated from law school and there have been several life tests that I went through, and continue to go through. But I know that each and every one of them has made me the person that I am today and I actually like who I have become. He continues to challenge me and I just need to be ready to take each one and learn something from it. What are you learning from your challenges?

6. I am thankful for the simple things in life. This is one area where being single has really helped me to appreciate small things. Sunday mornings are one of my favorite times. I usually set my alarm early, make a pot of coffee, and crawl back in bed to read while enjoying that coffee. (I finished my book last night so now I'm typing this instead, while drinking my coffee in bed.) Spending time curled up reading a book is a great way to spend a rainy weekend afternoon. Having early morning coffee with your best friend is a great way to start a weekend day. What simple things do you enjoy?

5. I am thankful for the ability to make choices. We live in a country where we get to make our own choices and as long as they are legal, you really do not have to answer to anyone. I get to choose to go to church on Sunday morning, or be smart about how I use my financial resources. Or, I get to choose which charity I want to support based on what they do. I also get to choose who I spend my time with. What choices are you thankful for?

4. I am thankful for my health, both physical and mental. Because of what I do for my job, I talk to people constantly about their health, both physical and mental. There are many days that I thank God for my health. To not have any chronic health issues and only have to go to a doctor once a year for a check-up is something to be thrilled with. But that does not mean that I am happy with where I am at and just not do anything else. Right now I am on a mission to make myself the healthies that I can be, both physically and mentally. I may kill myself at Rosy Mound with my current need to have a better time every time I go there, but at least I would die at a place where I love to go. What are you doing to make yourself a stronger person, both physically and mentally?

3. I am thankful for my friends. I seriously do not know where I would be right now without my friends, both old and new. I have my handful of friends that have held me up these past few months, but then I have also had some friends from my past come out and show support that was necessary at the time. Then there are a few new friends that have been there at the right time, too. God does know what He is doing and I am continually thankful for the people that He allows to come into my life. I pray that you have those friends in your life that can do the same thing for you. If you don't, make that your mission for this next year, to find one or two people that can do life with you.

2. I am thankful for my family. While friends come and go, your family does not. I have a wonderfully supportive family that is there for me whenever I need it. My parents have walked with me through all of the changes that I have gone through, including several moves. Not once did they complain. Instead, they asked how they could help and were there for me every step. They are still there and are always there when I need them to be. My siblings are great and I enjoy spending time with them and their spouses. But I have to give a special shout-out to Michelle and Greg. You have invited me to come on two vacations with you and your family this year and I have had an amazing time. Your inclusion in these trips have meant the world to me. I love all my niece and nephews, from youngest to the oldest. They all bring joy to my life in their own individual way. I cannot wait to see all of them this week! I love every single one of you and I do not ever want you to question that. How is your relationship with your family?

1. I am thankful for my Lord and Saviour. Although spiritually right now I may not be in the best place, I still know that God is there for me, every single step. If I am unable to pray for myself right now, I know that Christ is interceding on my behalf. When I am ready to come back and work on that relationship, I know that He will welcome me back with open arms and never question my love for Him. No, He is steady in His love. Thank you Lord for your sacrifice for me, even when I do not deserve it.

So there are the Top 10 things I am thankful for. Have a wonderful time with family and friends and remember to take a minute to reflect on what you are thankful for. It will focus your attention back on the things that matter, and not on the distractions of life. Blessings to all of you!

To surf for romance or not, that is the question.

2010-11-17T21:51:00.003-05:00

I feel like I need to apologize for writing so much lately. I go for months without posting anything and now this is the third one in just a few weeks. I guess I have a lot to say right now. In fact, I have ideas for a few more so stay tuned.

As part of my griping and complaining about being single, the question that inevitably comes up is whether I have tried on-line dating before, such as eHarmony, Match, etc. I need to put a note here that one of my best friends met her husband on eHarmony and they are happily married. I am so happy for both of them. So it can work for some. For me, well, let's just say that's not the case.

For those of you who have been married for awhile or who have never tried on-line dating, you don't know how lucky you are. So you fill out this long questionnaire about likes/dislikes, must-haves, etc. The sight then by some magic process matches you up with people that they think you are a good fit with. Some people get an overwhelming number of matches and others don't. The two or three times I've tried it I've had matches. Some of them have seemed pretty intriguing. One I was very interested in and it seemed to be going well. Then we got to the point where you share pictures of yourself and guess what, he closed me out within a day. That happened several times. Nice shot to the already floundering ego.

So that goes on for awhile, person after person. You just have nothing left to give because you have no self-confidence left. I am already self-conscious about my looks so I don't need some guy looking at my picture and closing me out right away based on his initial opinion that I don't meet his criteria.

At this point, based on my horrid experience with on-line dating, I have no intention of trying it again. And if you are one of my close friends or family and you suggest it to me, yet again, with any kind of seriousness, you are asking for the silent treatment from me. Just saying....

After these types of experiences you really start to question how worthy you are of even dating anyone. So you try to go through and identify good traits - although I am not the thinnest that I could be (don't you think I know that without you pointing that out to me!) I do take care of myself. I like to wear the latest fashions, wear my hair in a trendy style, and love to shop for shoes. I wear a great perfume (one co-worker always comments on it) and always shower on a daily basis. I actually am a deep thinker and love to talk through just about any topic.

I'm a bit frustrated with men closer to my age because they seem to be clueless. Or, maybe it's that they act their age and are just plain boring. I don't act my age and I don't look my age. I think my mindset is about 8-10 years younger. So I think I need to start looking for men younger. And no, that does not make me a cougar.

For those "athletic" type men who think that someone like me must not be very athletic, think again. I can easily walk 4 miles an hour or faster and often do. I can out-walk many of my friends. I did a bike trip a few years back where we biked 200-250 miles in a week (been too long to remember exactly how much). And, I have the desire and the current drive to do even more. I just need someone to believe in me and push me. Give me a chance.

I hear that men want to take care of a woman. Sorry, I don't necessarily fall into that category right now, at least not in many respects. We would need to talk about that. Although I may seem like I have all of my shit together, there are ways that a man can take care of me if he is willing to look deeper and get past the surface. You just need to figure out how I need to be taken care of.

So the ultimate question becomes where do you look? Please don't tell me singles groups at churches....have you been to one of those?!?!?! And a bar, not my style. Church may work, but not at mine. Maybe I'll run into one during one of my hikes. But just so you know, it's not going to be an on-line dating romance.

Why Risk It?

2010-11-10T19:32:00.004-05:00

Many people have commented about how open and honest I am in my blog. It's a chance I've taken each and every time I've written a post here and I don't regret anything that I've shared here. Instead, I have experienced unimaginable blessings from others who have shared their own experiences and have brought hope into my darkness.

Why is it so hard to be vulnerable? Not only do we put on a mask around people that we don't really know, or who really don't know us, but we also keep them on around people that are supposed to be closest to us. I believe it's because we're scared how others will respond to us if we share how we really feel or how we really think. The problem with that is all we ever do is scratch the surface in our conversations. We don't get to the heart of what really is going on in our lives. We shove our feelings down, only to have them pop out of us at times that could be inappropriate.

I can honestly say that some of the best conversations I have had with my closest friends and family is when we are both real. Because we both took a chance with trusting the other person, we now can talk about anything and know we won't be judged by the other person. Those are the people that I love to be around.

There are times, though, that taking a chance with someone can turn around on you. I have had those experiences, too, and I still grieve the loss of some of those relationships. I would have been better off keeipng it more on the surface because I still might be hanging out with them. But, that's not who I am.

So if you really want to hang out with me, you have to be willing to talk about more than just the weather. But, it's going to have to be a give and take between us. It's not just you talking and me listening or the other way around. Some days it may be more about you talking and other days about me. That's what makes a friend a friend.

Take a risk today - you won't regret it.

Blah, blah, blah....

2010-10-30T21:22:00.004-04:00

These last few months have been very trying times. My stress level has been, at times, unbearable but I've made it through. I've learned to live on a lot less sleep and food is no longer as much of my friend. (My jeans are thanking me!) Thankfully, I am finally able to start walking and working out again after some much needed PT. Hopefully I can continue with that since it has helped to decrease the stress somewhat.

While work definitely is my main contributor to my stress, it's not the only thing. Some of you may roll your eyes if I start talking about how difficult it is to be single these days, but that's your problem and not mine. This is my reality.

One of the toughest things I find is that after a very long day at work, coming home to an empty house can be the worst thing. Instead of having a distraction to make me think about something else, I find myself thinking about what went on during the day and making plans for the next day. My brain never shuts off.

I have to say that I have a few friends and family that have been absolutely amazing to me for the last several months. They have invited me on vacations with them, taken time away from their own family to go on vacation with me, taken time away from their families to have coffee with me, or just let me be real and pour out my heart. I don't know where I would be right now without them. Thank you!

One of the biggest things I've learned recently is that I don't do well in big groups, especially big groups of women. I don't enjoy small talk for long periods of time - I find it tiring and impersonal. But that's what you tend to get in a large group. There have been times where I am so frustrated by the conversations going on around me that I start thinking about work so that I don't have to listen about everyone else's children and husbands, things that I obviously don't have. It's often easier to deal with work stress than it is to dwell on how lonely I am, even in the midst of a group of people. I've tried to put on a brave face several times to endure these types of situations, praying that this next time will be different. Unfortunately, that has not been the case. I've vowed not to put myself in that situation again if I can help it. I'd rather sit at home by myself than do that.

So what does a girl do? That's a very good question. I'm at a loss. A complete loss. In a recent discussion about singleness, someone asked me if I believed that God had a plan for me. I was honest with him and said I just didn't know anymore. I've believed, in the past, that God definitely had a plan for me, that He planned to prosper me and not to harm me. I don't know if I believe that anymore. Yes, I have a job that is fulfilling and has me financially secure. But, it doesn't wipe away my tears at the end of a long day or hold me in the middle of the night when sleep escapes me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. God just doesn't seem to be near right now. And, quite frankly, I'm pissed at Him. I know He loves me, but I don't really feel it right now.

So life goes on. It has to. It's just not as joy-filled as it could be. I'm working on it.

Technology - Blessing or Bother?

2010-07-18T17:25:00.001-04:00

I have been pondering this post for quite some time, possibly even months. Today felt like the right day to compose and post.

It continues to amaze me how far we have come in technology in the last 20 years or so and how that changes the world we live in. Never would I have imagined that I could have a blog, write my thoughts on it, and people from around the world could read it if they liked. Not that they do, but it is a possibility. Cell phones and even the capabilities they have are unbelievable. But that does not mean that all of this is the best thing.

I look at email, cell phones, texting, the internet as all wonderful developments. You can easily communicate with one person or many, day or night. I rarely feel unsafe simply because I always have my cell phone with me and can dial 911 at anytime. But, on the otherhand, I never feel like I completely have any down time or am "unavailable". There are days that I long for that.

So what benefits do we have? It's a lot easier to stay in touch with people that are farther away and can do so much more than just talk on the phone. It is fun to see pictures from people that I went to school with and see how their families are growing. It is fun to keep an ongoing email going back and forth with someone several times a year just to stay in touch. Being able to send a quick text to someone to see if they are already at the restaurant we are supposed to meet them at has been a lifesaver on more than one occasion. Or, just to say hi to a niece and let her know I'm praying for her.

But there are also a lot of negatives associated with this new technology. How many of us pay more attention to what is going on in the lives of our "friends" on Facebook but have no idea what is really going on in the lives of those we consider our true friends in real life? How many of us actually know how to send a card of condolence to someone who lost a loved one, rather than simply writing on their wall on Facebook? Or send an actual hand-written Thank You note or a Thinking of You card? How many of us have shared way too much information with someone through email/facebook/instant messaging/etc when we never would have shared that if we were talking with them face to face? And I don't know about you, but I am so sick of some of the status updates on Facebook! TMI people!!! I don't really need to know everything!!

I worry about the pre-teens, teenagers and college kids. They all believe that it's "normal" to have a text message relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Really? They think it is okay to break up with someone by email or text. Really?? They think it is okay to take questionable pictures of themselves and post them on-line for all the world to see. Really??? Whatever happened to keeping things to yourself or at least having some dignity? Where is the parental accountability? Do you really know what your kids are doing?

Not to mention us adults. How many of us ever really disconnect from the world when we are with our family or friends? Blackberries and various cell phones are not just for talking anymore. No, we can even surf the web if we are bored or need to find something out. I always find going out for dinner to be interesting. You can always tell looking at a couple or a family how they are doing based on how many times a cell phone is pulled out during the time they are at the restaurant. Seriously, you can't be apart from the world for even an hour? Really? I actually enjoyed my 2 1/2 hours on the tubing trip yesterday because there were no phones and we all were fully engaged in talking to each other. It was great!!

While I love to use email to set up plans with friends, I do not like the fact that technology (especially Facebook) makes you really realize how unconnected you are when you see how connected other people are. Sometimes having so many friends on there and seeing them interact is discouraging or frustrating. My philosphy at this point is why bother even trying when it gets you nowhere. But I digress.....

And don't even get me started about the constant coverage on television about celebrities, political slip-ups, etc. I avoid news like the plague these days because there is rarely anything positive reported on. And I know that there is good going on in this world.

So I guess my challenge to you is to evaluate how technology fits into your life. My goal is to disconnect a bit from the technology world and engage more in the actual lives of my friends. Maybe a hiatus from Facebook? I actually don't use my cell phone that much so it is not enough of a distraction that I need to make a drastic change. The next time you are going to email or write on someone's wall a note, send one to them in the mail instead. They often mean a lot more. You will be amazed at what a difference it will make not only in the life of the other person, but also in your life. Disconnect and refocus. You can do it!

Making Decisions

2010-06-02T20:27:00.002-04:00

These past few months have been a whirlwind. I'm not quite sure what happened that suddenly we are in June. Life definitely seems to be screaming by. I want to slow it down, or at least enjoy some of it.

I have been at another crossroads, just really trying to figure out where I belong. I look back to January when I was so excited about making goals for this year and now realize that I never finalized them and even those that I had firmly planted in my head have kind of been thrown out the window. I have no one to blame but myself, but I just can't seem to pull it together.

I have an amazing group of close friends and have had a great time expanding that next layer of friends and getting to know some other women. I just continue to struggle as to where I really belong. When I look at my friends, I only have one single friend left. The rest are married, the majority of them have a family, and I am living a totally different lifestyle than them.

My close friends I am not concerned about connecting with because we make it a priority to do just that. I guess I worry about how I continue to expand that next layer, how I continue to grow those friendships. It is pure circumstance, but by the very nature that I work full time (and then some), and don't have kids, or a husband, I just really don't fit anyplace.

It's been a real blessing at church in the past year as many people have pulled me into different activities and really made a point to make it clear that everyone is welcome to participate, that it is not just for families and couples. The community garden was one of the things that I enjoyed the most last summer for this and I look forward to this in the next year.

But I still question where I am supposed to be. I have been contemplating looking at other churches for quite some time, part of that being that I really want to pursue looking for someone special and feel like church would be a safe place, and the type of person I am looking for would likely be there. But, as we said goodbye to our wonderful director of music this past Sunday, I really feel like God was speaking to me that it was not HIS time for me to leave my church.

I keep asking why. After all, isn't it about me? Isn't it what I want and need? God's answer to me was NO! I'm at this church for a reason. Maybe it's to be that diverse person in being single. Maybe it's to be that person for young women in the church to see that a female can be successful and provide for herself. Maybe it's just to be for right now. I guess I'll have to look elsewhere for that special someone. Or, if you know someone, call me.......

I don't know what God has in store for me. But I do know that I will trust HIM to lead me where HE wants. For now, He wants me right where I am. So ready or not, here I come!

If Today Was Your Last Day.....

2010-04-26T20:01:00.002-04:00

I was driving home from my parents' house tonight and a Nickelback song came on talking about if today was your last day and had some great lyrics that got me thinking. If today was my last day, would I focus on the negative's in people or would I leave a lasting impression with the person that I love them and care for them? Would I forgive more of the petty little things and choose to focus on the many little things that mean so much? Who would I be spending my time with if today was my last day? What is the legacy that I want to leave behind?

In the hustle and bustle of the world we live in, it is so easy to just let life pass you by. I have seen so many obituaries lately for people who were way too young when they died. Did they know it was coming? Did they prepare, both for the physical things they left behind but also for after they passed from this life? Were they scared?

Thankfully I am not scared to die because I know where I am going. What I worry about more is the legacy that I leave behind. Not having a husband or kids at this stage of life makes things kind of interesting. Who do I leave as my beneficiaries? What causes do I want to support? Would my family know what I want?

I think what I want more than anything else is to know that I have made a difference in this world, that I have touched the life of someone. I could name some great people around me who have touched my life. I want to be like them! It came so naturally to them and it was just who they were/are. That's what I want!

So I guess I leave you with the question of what kind of legacy do you want to leave? How close are you to that? Do you need to change your life today in order to start working towards that? If so, do it today because today may be your last day.

What If........

2010-02-14T19:38:00.003-05:00

Today we started a new sermon series at church entitled "What if People Read.....Believed.......Lived the Bible". We were all challenged for the season of Lent to give up not reading the Bible every day. In other words, we were challenged to actually read and contemplate the Bible every day. I'm excited to see where this will take our church. Funny thing is I had already decided that I was "giving up" time to actually read my devotions every day. I take this as divine intervention, not a coincidence.

As I sat and watched the Olympics this afternoon and kind of zoned in and out, I started contemplating the phrase "What If......" What If people stopped gossiping, especially in the church, and started focusing on how they can pray for people in need instead. Would there be less inaccurate information going around? What If people worried less about how they look on the outside and focused more on how they look on the inside. Would there be less talk of who was wearing the newest fashion and more talk of who was wearing the biggest smile? What If each adult took ten minutes each week to write a note of encouragement to a different person. Would there be a stronger sense of community and less of a feel of cliques?

What If we took the time each week to pray for someone different, let them know that we were doing that, ask them to do the same for someone else the following week, and repeated that again and again. Would people feel loved and needed, rather than disconnected and disposable?

What If we actually acted on that nudge and told someone how special they are and how glad we are to know them. Would we feel more loved? I can tell you that I was a recipient of just such a note this week, as were many other people, and it came at the right time. It was awesome to see on Facebook how simple messages from this one person to so many people made a huge impact. She touched many lives just by taking a risk and telling people how special she thought they were and why.

I could go on and on with more, but I think you get the point. So take some time yourself and think about what would happen if you................... Fill in the blank for yourself. Realize that the simplest things can make a difference and vow to make a change, for yourself and for those around you.

Ants in my Pants

2010-01-10T17:20:00.006-05:00

These last few weeks have been great. I haven't had a lot going on and I've completely enjoyed it. Don't get me wrong, I love hanging out with family and friends, but sometimes you can just become overwhelmed with how many things you have to do. Ever feel like that? When all you do is go to work, and then leave again to go to the next thing, come home and go right to bed only to start it all over again the next day, when do you have time for yourself? When do you have time to rejuvenate?

But yet, I'm feeling very antsy, very distracted. I have a huge list of things that I want to get done, and yet I end up doing something completely different. And they aren't necessarily productive things. I have partially started goals for the year but haven't completed/finalized them. I have it on my list of things to do.

Have you ever felt like this? If so, how do you get past it and start focusing on what needs to be done? I'm not sure if I need less time to contemplate life so that I am more focused when I do have the time. It's all so unclear.

New Year, New Decade, New Perspective

2010-01-03T14:03:00.002-05:00

It's amazing to think that it was just ten years ago that everyone thought the world would come to a crashing halt because of Y2K. As far as I can recall, nothing really happened and life moved on. And here we are 10 years later.

I'm kind of sentimental person. I like to look at anniveraries, birthdays, and other special dates as a reminder to be thankful, to remember, and to look forward. At the end of each year I like to journal. A lot. This year was short in comparsion to past years, but it was still a great time. I will usually look back on the past year, evaluate the good and the bad, and then set some goals for the next year. I never used to be a "goal" person, and I still don't think I really am, but I find it helpful.

If you don't have anything that you are striving for, how are you going to know if you are doing better each year? I often set goals in four different areas: spiritual, financial, relationships and lifestyle. I've learned over the years that it is often better to set a general goal and then identify some specific ways to accomplish that. I'm not completely finished with my goals yet, but I am excited about where I am right now. I am so focused on a few of them and I really can't wait to see where I am at at the end of 2010. Because it is the beginning of the decade, I'm thinking about setting some for the next decade and then I can see where I am at in 2020.

I'm not willing to reveal my goals on here because it's just too public of a forum. But if you know me well enough or are curious enough to ask, I'll likely share some of them with you. My challenge to you - what are you striving for? What changes do you want to make in your life? Have you even thought about it? Start with something small and grow from there. Everyone should want to be better tomorrow than they are today.

A New Decade

2009-11-29T13:26:00.002-05:00

I know it's not officially the start of a new decade, but it's the start of a new decade for me. Ten years ago I was in the process of packing up my life in Detroit as an attorney, and moving back to Zeeland to start a new job and try to move on with my life. It's amazing what a difference ten years can make.

Let me go back a little more then ten years to give you a little perspective. While I was in law school in Detroit, I clerked for a medium-sized firm. It was a good experience and I worked with some terrific attorneys. They didn't have any openings for associate attorneys at the time I graduated, but I was finally offered a job with that same firm in September of 1997. A split in the firm had occurred and I was going back to the "original" firm, even though the attorney I had worked the most with (and learned the most from) had gone with the break-off. But my goal was to get some experience and either work for the "other" firm, or get enough experience and then move back to West Michigan to practice. Little did I know that neither of these were going to happen.

In November of 1997, the attorney I hoped to work for died very unexpectedly at the age of 50. I didn't know what to do. I felt lost at my job and was already looking for a new position, even though I had only been there for two months. As a new attorney, I really needed someone to take me under their wing and teach me some of the ropes. I supposedly was working with one particular partner, but he was so messed up that I received none of that. I basically had to figure things out on my own. Not a great way to start a career.

For about the next two years, I survided by driving home to West Michigan about every other weekend, or every three weeks. I hated it out there. I know those are strong words, but it's how I felt. I truly believe that those were the darkest years of my life. I had one friend from law school that I would see from time to time, but we lived just far enough apart that she was not someone I could see every week. Other than her, I had no one that I could really call a friend out there. Although a few secretaries at work were people that I could confide in to a certain extent, it was frowned upon for an attorney and a secretary to be friends. Not appropriate, you know.

So I slumped into a bit of a depression. I started putting on weight. I withdrew. I spent a lot of time crying. I lived for weekends to drive home and be with family. I hated driving back to Southfield on Sunday afternoons - I often cried as soon as I was out of sight of my parents home. Life sucked.

Then, in about July of 1999, one of the attorneys that I actually liked and did some work for announced that he was moving to a different firm. He took me to lunch and basically told me to find some other place to work. He saw what was going to happen. In August of 1999, the partner that I was supposedly working for came into my office and told me that the firm was restructuring and they did not see me having a future with them. I had until the end of the year to either find a job elsewhere or my employment would be done. I was devastated. How could you not be.

But, in a way, I was relieved. That mean that I could move back to West Michigan where my heart truly was. Part of what I wanted was coming true. On the other hand, though, I felt like a complete failure. I was bascially being let go from my first attorney position. How humiliating is that? I felt like I couldn't tell people here in West Michigan because I would be seen as a failure. My family knew, of course, but very few others. I didn't really talk about it. God blessed me, though, and I found my position with Manpower in November of 1999 and started there in December of 1999.

This also meant, though, that I was no longer going to have to continue working for a bunch of hypocrites. Within the first year or so after I left the firm, the partner I worked for was disbarred. He had altered court documents and embezzled from the law firm. And I had been working on both of those cases. He and the lawfirm were sued for malpractice. Because I had worked on these cases, my work also came under scrutiny. I was forced to go back and re-live some of the things that had gone on. Thankfully, the truth came out in the end and I did not have to testify against him and I did not lose my license to practice.

It took me a long time to gain any sort of self-respect back after my one and only experience actually practicing law. Unfortunately, I have no desire to ever practice again in a law firm because of that. I rarely tell people that I am an attorney because I want to forget that part of my life. My educational background has been a key to my success in my current professional endeavors so I am thankful that I have it, but I have no intention of going back to that.

So much more has happened in the last decade, though, and for that I am truly grateful. I worked at my job with Manpower for almost 9 years and then found my current position at Perrigo. I have grown so much in my professional experience and will not go back to private practice. Business is where I belong.

My family has grown and I love them all more and more as I spend more time with them. They are my rock and hold me up when I need it the most.

My group of friends has changed so much in this last decade. Most of my closest friends I didn't even know 10 years ago. Now I can't imagine life without them.

I loved someone like I have never loved before and thought he was the love of my life. Turns out he's not. I've never been hurt by someone as much as he hurt me and it's difficult at times to move on. I still don't know if I've really forgiven him for how he treated me, and I don't know if I ever will.

I've become more independent than I ever thought possible to do as a single woman. When I moved back from Detroit, I was forced to move back in with my parents because of the large pay cut that I took and the student loans I was still paying off. I don't know what I would have done without my parents. I don't believe they ever thought twice about letting me move back in. I so needed that at that time in my life and wouldn't want to change it, even though it is difficult at that age to live with your parents again. Now, I own my own condo, and am completely at ease with where God has brought me finacially. He has blessed me beyond my wildest imaginations.

So now is a time to look towards the next decade and make some new plans. I pray, every day, that God will bring a special man into my life that I can start doing life with. I pray that God will bless me with at least one child, more if it's His will. (Any prayers that you are willing to offer on my behalf for these would be most appreciated!) I have a few other plans that are in the works, but I don't know if I'm ready to go completely public with them right now. They may come out as time goes on, but they need to be worked out a bit more than they are now.

Thanks for doing life with me. I pray that this next decade brings many more special friends (and family!!) into my life so I can do life with many more special people.

Living in Community

2009-10-25T17:54:00.003-04:00

I've been reading through the Old Testament for my devotions and not too long ago I was going through Joshua. The story of Achan in Joshua 7 struck me in a way I've never thought of before. I'll give you a short recap of the story of Achan, but I would encourage you to go read it for yourself.

In Joshua 6, the Israelites had been marching around the city of Jericho for six days. On the seventh day, they were given instructions on how they would take the city. Joshua gave them explicit instructions from God in verses 18-19: "But keep away from the devoted things, so that you will not bring about your own destruction by taking any of them. Otherwise you will make the camp of Israel liable to destruction and bring trouble on it. All the silver and gold and the articles of bronze and iron are sacred to the Lord and must go into his treasury." But Achan didn't follow this command and he took some of the devoted things. Because of this, when the Israelites went to conquer the men of Ai, they were defeated. All because of Achan. Because of his unfaithfulness, Achan was not the only person affected. Men lost their lives in battle. He and his entire family, along with all of their livestock, also lost their lives.

My question is who else knew that he had done this? Someone likely saw him take it. Or, Achan had to have told someone about it because he couldn't keep something like this to himself. For the sake of what I want to say, let's assume this is true. Everyone heard the same command, so why didn't someone say something to Achan about what he had done? Did they figure that they weren't the one doing it so they didn't need to worry about it? Were they jealous that he seemed to be getting away with it? Were they afraid to speak up for fear of how Achan would react? This is something that could, and does, happen to people living in community. The sin of one person can affect everyone else in that community in one or more ways.

So what does that mean for us today? Conflict is so hard to deal with. I can think of many times I had to approach someone to discuss something that could very easily go bad. Some went well, others did not. It's always the bad experiences that we tend to recall when we have to do this again. But we can't let this stop us.

We all need to be living in community. It is normally more than one (family, different groups of friends, church, etc.) and it should be. Through these relationships, we need to establish open and transparent relationships where we can be held accountable, and hold others accountable. Through that accountability, we should be held responsible for our actions. But, we also need to be bold and do the same for others. If we aren't willing to take the chance to call someone out, or to let someone call us out, then our community will fail or fail to grow. It's always easier to call someone else out on something than to have the same thing done to you. Work on how you would respond to someone talking to you, rather than focusing on how you would approach someone.

If you choose not be part of a community, I think I feel sorry for you. Your life is missing so much and, I suspect, you are pretty stuck where you are and won't move very far in life.

Here's my challenge: identify what communities you are a part of. Then ask yourself if there are at least a few people from those communities that you trust to hold you accountable. Once you have identified them, tell them. Let them know that you trust them to call you out on things that you may need to change, or to specifically ask about to keep you on track. I think you will find that life will get even better than it already is.

While I'm Waiting

2009-09-20T14:04:00.007-04:00

This past weekend I got hooked on a new song for me. It's called "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller. It was featured in the movie Fireproof. Incredible. I think I listened to it at least 10 times tonight because God is speaking to me through this song. Let me share the Lyrics:

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on you, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on you, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve you
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on you Lord
I am peaceful
I'm waiting on you, Lord
Though it's not easy, no
But faithfully I will wait
Yes, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
I'll be taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve you
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on you, Lord

All of us are waiting for something in our lives - hurts in a marriage to heal, the miracle of life to enter our lives, the healing of a loved one, the pain of a past relationship to go away, a new job, a better job, a child to accept the love of Christ, a special person to enter our lives. The list could go on and on. So what do we do while we wait? Wallow in self pity, mope around our house, get depressed about what we don't have? NO!!! Even in the midst of pain, we need to continue to serve God, to worship HIM.

I think what I'm waiting on has been said many times before on this blog, or most of you probably know me well enough to know. It would be so easy to just let life pass me by while I wait for that one thing to happen. But that would not be pleasing to God. He has a plan, He has a time and place all planned out, and He asks me to simply trust Him, and Him alone, and to move forward in life with bold and confident steps. Those steps are not always going to be an easy walking path. Some of them will be rocky and unsteady, some could be downright treacherous. But I don't need to worry about what may be a mile down the road, or a year down the road. He only asks that I look at what is right in front of me and trust Him enough to worry about later on down the road.

So what are you waiting on the Lord for? Are you worshiping and serving Him while you wait?

Celebration!

2009-09-12T10:40:00.010-04:00

A few weeks ago I had the privilege and honor of standing beside one of my great friends, Shelley, as she married the man of her dreams Dave. Even though it was a bit rainy and overcast, the celebration kept the gloominess of the day out of our minds.I didn't get to give a toast to the happy couple that day, but I wanted to take the moment to do that here.

Shelley, you have been a great friend for many years. We have shared just about every type of emotion together that we can-happiness, frustration, sadness, depression, joy, fear, and many others. But through them all, it has only drawn us closer together. It has been fun watching you fall in love, walking through all of the emotions of the giddiness and excitement of what may come, to the confidence that this is right and what you want for your life. I have enjoyed seeing the smile that Dave can bring to your face, as well as the support he can provide in those uncertain times. You fit.

Dave, you have a wonderful woman here, and I think you know that. She will be loyal and loving to you. Your marriage won't be perfect and it shouldn't be, but to get you through those rough times, make sure that God is always at the center. With Him at the center, you can get through anything.

Shelley and Dave, as you start this next phase of your life, make time for each other, no matter how busy life may get. Never put another person before your marriage, and never forget the vows that you have spoken. Together you can make a life of happiness, joy and peace. Don't let anyone or anything tear you apart. Congratulations and may God bless you on this day, and for the days, months and years to come!

One of the things that I love about celebrations like this is having fun with other friends that are part of the celebration, too. It was great fun hanging with some of my closest gals.

Two weddings in one year - I'm still tired for the whirlwind of events, but I'm excited to see these two marriages grow and flourish, by God's grace. So now the question is, who's next, me or Marie? Guess you'll have to stay tuned.

Ready for a Change

2009-08-16T21:18:00.002-04:00

This weekend I watched one of my favorite movies again, Facing the Giants. Now I know lots of people say it has poor acting and it could create unrealistic hope in people, but I still think that it has several good messages in it.

I think one of my favorite sections of the movie is the death crawl scene on the football field. A blindfolded football player carries a fellow teammate on his back across the entire football field. Brock thought he could do it maybe 20 feet, but because he was blindfolded and just kept giving all he had, he made it 100 yards. So the question is, in what area am I not pushing myself hard enough because I don't think I have it in me? Oh the list that I could write..........

Mr. Bridges is comes to challenge Coach to "bloom right where [he] was planted" until the Lord moves him. Coach said he had been praying and just wasn't feeling or seeing anything. So Mr. Bridges talked about two farmers that desperately needed rain, but only one farmer was preparing his fields to receive the rain. Which farmer am I? Am I preparing my "field" to receive God's rain? What am I preparing my field for? I'm going to save this for another post.

Finally, the Coach is in a moment of crisis for many different reasons. He seeks the Lord all night long and in the morning, in the fresh light of day, he reads the promises that God has made to him. He asks God to reveal himself to him, and he declares that if the Lord will not fulfill his desire to have children that he will love the Lord anyway. In turn, he asks his wife if the Lord never gives them children, will she still love the Lord. I, too, have to fill in this blank but it's difficult to do. My only real dream in life that I really, really want is to get married and have children. So if the Lord never allows that to happen, I will still love Him and Him alone, no matter what. It just means He has another plan and purpose for my life and I need to be trust Him.

So ask yourself these three questions:

In what area are you not pushing yourself hard enough because you don't think you have it in you?
Are you preparing for rain?
Will you still love God even if ______________________?

Things I've Recently Learned

2009-08-09T19:33:00.009-04:00

Last weekend I had fun hanging out at my company picnic and then at Coast Guard Festival. I learned a few things in the process. The funniest story was how Sally (name has been changed to protect the innocent) was texting with a friend about corn on the cob and learned that certain abbreviations for corn on the cob are just not appropriate. Yes, we are a bunch of high schoolers.

The thrill of riding an elephant and checking it off a bucket list is worth standing in line for well over an hour. I had checked it off years ago, but Marie had not had the chance yet. You can see the smile on her face here.

Standing in line for one Pronto Pup for about 3o minutes was well worth it. Although, I'm still amazed at how many people left there with like five of them in each hand. Wow!

Waiting for the fireworks to start when it's very windy and the rain is threatening makes one wonder why they didn't start everything earlier. We all just sat there waiting, and waiting, and waiting until about half hour after everything was supposed to start. Sure would have been nice to know what was going on.

The cops directing traffic at one particular intersection in Grand Haven that night were just plain stupid! They never let us go until after they let the other sections of traffic go three times. Helloooo!!!

And finally, if you're stuck in traffic and are going to be there for a while, just sing your head off like a crazy lunatic. It's dark - the people in the cars next to you will more than likely not recognize you later in life.

How content are you?

2009-07-14T21:52:00.003-04:00

Last month Roger Federer won the French Open, something he has been trying to do for years. As he was taking it all in, emotions and all, it was interesting to listen to the commentators. He has now won 15 majors, including the career grand slam. They wondered what it would be like to have everything, and thought Roger might know something about it - he's married, about to become a father, and now possibly the greatest tennis player of all times. What more could a man want, right? I applaud Roger Federer for his win and was cheering for him the whole time, as well as with his recent Wimbledon win. But I still go back to the question of what does it mean to have everything? Does Roger really know?

Next week will marks one year since my life got tossed around bit. I was called into work in the middle of my vacation to talk to the owner and president of my company. Never a good feeling. I knew I wasn't in trouble, but something was up. After nine years with the company, my employment was coming to an end in three months because the franchise was being sold. Unfortunately, my job was a duplicate of what Manpower International already had. That day was pretty emotional and it was a continuous battle of tears, fear of the unknown, and constantly feeling like I was going to throw up.

Over the next week or so, I continued to work through the process, along with several of my co-workers. It was an interesting time at work because we had "business as usual" for the next month, and then it started to become reality when 10-15 of us would start ending our time, while the majority of employees would continue on working for Manpower. Interesting feelings, to say the least. I was one of the fortunate ones, and only three weeks after this seemingly devastating announcement, I had two job offers: one to stay on with Manpower in a role that was rather undefined, or another one with Perrigo in a role that was similar, yet different. After a lot of talking it out with family and friends and prayers that were answered in very clear ways, I accepted the position at Perrigo and started three weeks later. I had to finish my time out at Manpower until the end of October, so for the months of September and October I really did not get to do much other than work, and many of my friendships suffered as a result. I still see the effects today.

So what does this have to do with contentment? Last week I saw my ten month mark with Perrigo come and go. I have never worked so hard at a job (even the law firm), so many hours, yet been so happy, fulfilled or content with what I do. I am often exhausted beyond belief when I leave work, both physically and emotionally, but I also feel like I have made a difference in the lives of the people I work with. To reassure an employee that they are not going to lose their job as they go through cancer treatment is incredible. But I also feel appreciated by my supervisor and co-workers. I am someone that thrives on words of affirmation and I simply didn't get that need met at past places of employment. Now I do. What a difference that makes.

Work is only one part of my life, though. The rest of it is based on relationships, with family and friends. My family is amazing. They are always there when I need them, and when I'm not clear that I need them. Thanks for everything! And I think I have defined who my friends really are. They are the ones that stuck with me through this past year, supported me, prayed for me, and understand when I tell them that I need to go home at 10pm on a Friday night because it's been a long week, or that I just need a night alone. They are the ones that I trust with my innermost thoughts (yes, I don't share everything on here!)

But what about things? Am I satisfied with what I "have"? I am not thrilled with living in my condo, but financially it does not make sense to sell right now. So I've chosen to be content with what I have. My Jeep is about 8 years old and has well over 100,000 miles on it. I drive to Allegan every day from Holland, so shouldn't I be looking at getting something better? No way! I have had very little problems with my vehicle (thanks to my terrific brother Rick, the best mechanic I know!!) and it's paid for. There are probably a lot of things that I could go out and buy, but I don't need them. Life is about more than just things.

Contentment is a state of mind. It's a choice for each and every person to make. Our country seems to be in a state of financial crisis because many people have decided that they were not happy with what they had and decided that they "deserved" better and went out and got it, no matter what the cost. The result - exhorbitant credit card debt, inability to pay their mortgage, and on and on it goes. But even after all of that, they still are not happy or content. Instead, they seem to think that the rest of us need to bail them out. But I don't want to go down that road right now.....

I'm feeling pretty content in my life right now. I have a job that I love, a small community of family and friends surrounding me that I wouldn't trade for the world, and have enough creature comforts to be satisfied. My earthly life is great.

The one area, though, where we should never be content is our spiritual development. We should never feel as though we have "arrived". Instead, we should always be striving for more - for a deeper relationship with Christ, a better understanding of who God is and what He wants me to do.

How content are you? If you aren't content, ask yourself why not. What can you do, or not do, to help yourself get to a place of contentment. How can I help you?

"Dad, d'ya wanna play a game?"

2009-07-12T18:21:00.011-04:00

Fourth of July weekend brought me (and my parents) to the great city of Madisonville, KY to visit Mark, Sam, and their three boys. We had a great weekend.

Some of the best memories came from just hanging out, chatting over coffee in the morning, sitting outside enjoying the warm weather, or swimming at the local pool. Ryerson, the youngest, is totally hooked on my brother and is like a leech whenever Mark is home. The funniest thing was Ryerson's constant phrase: "Dad, d'ya wanna play a game?" This would continue from, literally, the moment he got up in the morning until he went to bed that night. Poor Mark! What was even better is when you ask him what game he wants to play and he sweetly says "whatever you want to play", that is, until you choose a game and it's not the one he had in mind. Love that kid!

On Friday we went to the local community pool. It was actually a great day. Gage and Carter had fun jumping in the deep end with some friends. There were the usual tifts between brothers, but they got over that. The cutest picture, though, was Sam and Ryerson sharing their love of music by sharing the headphones of Sam's iPod.

Saturday it rained for a while, but it cleared up long enough to light off some fireworks once it was dark. (We only had legal ones, for those inquiring minds that want to know.) I had fun watching from afar. I enjoy watching them, but they kind of freak me out, especially sparklers (old childhood fear).

We left Sunday morning and had a fairly uneventful drive. Of course, when it was my turn to drive, we had to take a detour because of a crash on the freeway. The last time we went, I had to drive a detour, too. So I drove for about an hour and a half on a two-lane road that wound through the middle of corn fields and not much else. I made a conscious decision not to complain anymore once I reached a certain point because there was nothing I could do to change it. And, I think my dad was going to hit me if I complained for much longer. (Love you, Dad!).

I love visiting everyone down in Kentucky, but it always makes me sad for a few days when I get home because it reminds me how much I miss them. I am so happy that they are all doing great down there, but I wish I could see them more. For now, I will just take each of these visits and make the most out of them, including spoiling the nephews as much as I can.

Happy Father's Day!!

2009-06-21T21:22:00.005-04:00

I am so honored to tell you about my dad. He is someone that I admire, seek advice from, and love more than I can tell you. My dad is not a man of many words and isn't someone that you call up on the phone just to chat, but I know that if I need to talk to him, he is there. I remember when I was living in Detroit, I called my parents house and my dad answered the phone. I chatted with him for less than a minute and then he said, "Well, let me get your mom for you." I really think it's just a dad thing in general and I love him for it!

My dad is one of the strongest people I know. He has had his hard knocks in life, even in the past few years, but he never complained. He just worked through it, making the best of each situation. I could not ask for a better example.

I remember as a little girl going down to the basement into his workroom. I loved spending time with him, watching him work on his wood projects. I still like going into his workroom when I'm there; it brings back great memories.

One quality I love about my dad is how trustworthy he is. You can tell him something in confidence and he does not tell anyone-not even my mom! How can you not admire that?

I love my dad and I can't wait until he can walk me down the aisle and give me away. I want his (and my mom's) blessing more than anything. And, I can't wait until he can hold my first baby in his arms, and later have him or her call him Grandpa and see the smile on his face.

Thanks for everything, Dad! I love you!

B.U.S.Y.

2009-06-07T20:22:00.003-04:00

I can't believe I have not posted something new for just about two weeks. Why, you may ask? Because I have been busy. This past week it got to the point of overwhelming and I had to take a step back and re-evaluate.

I remember a pastor saying in a sermon many years ago that BUSY stands for Being Under Satan's Yoke (or something like that) and I really believe that. It is so easy to get caught up in the every day requirements of life and let it completely suck the life out of you, leaving you with absolutely no time to make a connection with those who you should be.

When I look back over the past few weeks, I had fun with friends and family, I've worked a lot of hours at work, and I've wasted so much time doing things that really add no meaning to life and are timesuckers. I really can't change things at work because there's just a lot going on right now in my world, and at times it is very emotionally draining. But, the rest of life, I can and need to get a handle on.

When I started last week, I only had something planned for Monday evening. Before I knew it, I had committed to something every night. Again, I enjoyed what I did each night, but considering my work schedule, I really should not have done that.

But beyond that, I realize that I spend way too much time on the internet. Facebook, email, blogs, and just surfing in general sucks so much time. I don't know if I dare calculate how much time a night I do sit here on the internet. I lose track of time and before I know it, it's way past 11pm. In order to be at my best, I really need to get to bed and be ready to sleep no later than 10:30. Add some really early mornings in there and it equals exhaustion.

Thanks to someone who knows me very very well, I am now challenged to better plan my time. The maximim amount of time I can be on the internet at night each day is for one hour. And since I have to report back to her every few days, I am determined to stick to it.

I am always saying that I wish I had more time to spend on devotions and prayer time, yet I never do it. So one thing I have committed to is making this a priority every day, not just a few days a week. If I say God is an important part of my life, then I need to do something about it. This is going to be my new priority.

The other thing I am going to focus on is getting some physical activity in. We have a great fitness program at work and the summer challenge is called Shoreline Shuffle. I want to get my name thrown in for the final drawing, so that means that over the next ten weeks I have to get in 2400 minutes of physical activity. That averages out to 35 minutes a day. WOW! But, if it's important to me, I'll make the time for it. And, the benefits of this should be pretty amazing, or at least jump start some things.

What about you? Are you feeling overwhelmed by life, unable to get things done that you feel is important? What can you change today?

I better go - I have 5 minutes left of my daily internet allotment.

Are you successful?

2009-05-25T14:55:00.002-04:00

This year is my 20th class reunion. I know, I'm getting old. Hard to believe that so much time has passed. As part of that, I received a questionnaire that I need to fill out and send back, asking about what I do, what kind of degrees I have, marriage, kids, etc. It's not difficult to fill out, but it has started me thinking about how my classmates will view where I'm at in life.

Because I'm not married and do not have any kids, I really only have to fill out about half of the questionnaire. Does that mean that I'm only half successful in life? There was not enough space on the form to fill out all the schools I have received degrees from and what those degrees are. Does that give me some points back towards success? I'm kidding, of course.

How do you define success? According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, one definition of success is: favorable or desired outcome ; also : the attainment of wealth, favor, or eminence. Now we are getting somewhere, right? Not really.

In the society that we live in today, too often success refers only to your financial status, what you have, what you are able to purchase, what big accomplishments have you achieved. Unfortunately, I think that is one reason why we are in our current economy. People who do not have the financial means to purchase items in demand choose to still go out and purchase them so that they can feel that they are successful, or at least be perceived by others to be successful. If this continues, they spiral downward into deeper and deeper debt.

I think success can be defined differently by every single person. Many people could look at me and think that I am successful, or that I am not successful at all. It will all depend on what angle they are coming from. I have my law degree, can go into any court in Michigan and represent clients, but that does not mean I'm successful, at least not in my eyes. I have a great job at a company that is doing very well in our current economy and I am perceived to be doing very well in my job. But that does not mean I am successful. For others, they will look at me and see that I am a failure because I have not landed a husband and, as part of that, have failed to produce children. That is success in their eyes. Or, as some attorneys have been known to say (or at least hint at), I am not a successful professional because I have chosen to not actively practice law and they see that as a failure.

I define success as having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, being content in my current circumstances of life, having close relationships with a few special people, showing respect to each and every person I come in contact with, and so many other things. When I look at this I am definitely not perfect in each of these areas, but I am okay with where I am at in each of them and continue to work on making each area better.

Because we all have different definitions of success, we look at everyone in a different way. We hold others to what our standard of success is and when someone does not live up to that, we see them as a little lower than ourselves, even though the other person may be very happy and feel very successful.

As I get ready to send in my information for our reunion, I eagerly anticipate the booklet with everyone's information in it. I know my classmates are all successful in their own way and I can't wait to see what those are.

Here is my challenge: How do you define success and how does this affect how you see others?

Time for a commitment

2009-05-17T14:59:00.002-04:00

It is about four and a half years since I moved into my condo and I have decided that it is finally time for me to commit to another living thing. No, I am not getting a roommate, nor a pet. I think I am going to get a houseplant! It may not sound like much, but it means I have to be responsible for something other than me.

When I purchased my condo, I did it with the expectation (or hope) that this would be a short-term solution to something else going on in my life at that time. It was, basically, an impulse purchase. Because of that, I did not really pour much of myself into decorating. Earlier this year I decided that I am stuck here for now, in part because of the crappy economy and the likelihood that I could not sell my condo for what I need so I could get a house. Now that I made that decision, I am intent on putting my mark on the place. I have hung a few more wall decorations and hope to do more in the next few months.

Back to the plant thing. I would love to get a dog, but not where I currently live. Maybe once I get a house. I am not really into fish, either. So a plant seems the next best thing. But what to get? A fern, ivy, or something more exotic like an orchid. Decisions, decisions. At least with a plant if I forget to water it (feed it) I will probably have a second chance before it finally dies. Now I just have to take the final leap and actually get one. Maybe next month......

Happy Mother's Day!

2009-05-10T18:50:00.004-04:00

I have been looking forward to posting this all week. For those of you who do not know my mom, I cannot wait to tell you all about her. Lois Brower is one of my best friends today, although I probably would never have predicted that growing up.

My mom is an awesome mother, wife, grandmother, and so much more to so many people. She will do just about anything for anyone. She has a giving heart that is lacking in so many others. She loves God and taught me all about Him as I grew up, helping to mold me into the person that I am today. She did daycare out of our home for many years to bring in extra money to support our family, and so that she could be at home for us. She never complained about it, she just did it. And through that, she influenced the lives of so many children to help guide them to know Jesus. I loved to hear her singing songs with these children, and "Jesus Loves Me" and "Jesus Loves the Little Children" were among the favorites.

I think I was probably her biggest headache growing up, and part of that, I think, is because we are so much alike. I am a bit headstrong, as is she, and when we clashed we clashed big. Thankfully, that does not happen much anymore. Now I'm just finding that we are similar in other areas. But I also think that I was the most adventurous and that was a huge cause of stress for her. When I was living in the Detroit area, we never talked about where I lived. I never told her about the gunshots I thought I heard in my apartment building and she never told me about how concernced she was for me until I was back living in West Michigan. We were even on that one.

We always joke with the family that my mom is easily distracted, often labeling her as ADD. She will start cleaning a room in the house and before you know it, she has three other projects underway and suddenly she realizes that she still needs to finish that first room that she started on. Last weekend I found myself doing the exact same thing and it took me back to the day when I swore I would never be like her when I grew up. Well, it did. Oh well, there could be worse things, I suppose.

My mom is a woman of faith. She tells me all the time that she is praying for me, and although I know (hope) that she is praying for other things, too, she always tells me she's praying for me to finally find a man to marry. At least she's now at the point where she is just praying for me, rather than suggesting places to go meet someone. We have had that discussion many times and thankfully she now just listens to me complain, rather than telling me what to do. You have come so far, Mom, and I love you more and more because of that!!

I love to see my mom with her grandkids. She wants to be a part of their lives so bad and I know she can never get enough. I cannot wait for the day when I can call her on the phone and tell her that I have had a baby and hear the excitement in her voice and have her race down to the hospital to hold the little one. She can babysit the little one, or come over to visit, whenever she wants. In a way, I want to have a baby just to give my mom that freedom to feel like she can be a role model in my child's life and know that I want her there, always and forever. If I am never blessed to have a child of my own, I know the world will be missing out on the influence of my mom on a child's life.

I could go on and on about my mom. But the bottom line is that my mom is there for me, even at my age, for anything and everything I may need. We may grow up and leave our parents to live on our own, but that does not mean that we no longer need our parents. We will always need their love and support, for as long as we live.

Thanks for everything, Mom. I love you and would not trade you for anyone else. God gave you as my mom for a reason - no one could have done a better job than you!

Just me Again

2009-05-05T20:13:00.006-04:00

Lots of work and little play has started to make Kim a dull girl. The past few weeks have been full of extra work hours and lots of stressful situations, which made me too tired and drained to do much once I got out of work. Hopefully that will change now that I feel like things are a little more under control.

I love watching the Biggest Loser-it is so inspirational. I've pretty much been overweight all my life and I feel like I can relate to a lot of what they are saying about themselves, what their past lives were like. The bad part is that even though I may have developed poor eating habits over the years, I know better. It's just very difficult to break bad habits.

I'm a closet eater. I think I learned that growing up. My mom is an awesome baker and we always had sweets around the house, which is my biggest downfall. She tried to monitor how much we were eating, but I became a great sneaker. I could crawl around the kitchen table to dip into the tupperware container of banana bars without mom noticing it like nobody's business. And since I had made it there, I wouldn't stop at just one. I had to make it worth my while! I made poor choices and did not even realize it. And that has continued on.

If you go out for dinner with me, you will not often see me eat poorly. Once in a while I splurge and get a burger and fries, but that is definitely not the norm. My poor eating comes in my closet snacking. When I go and get groceries, I will sometimes get one "treat". That may be a bag of chips for the next week to take to work with my sandwiches. Or, it may be some ice cream for a "treat" for a few nights. Well, those treats never last for the length I plan. Instead, I polish them off in a day or two after purchasing them. And it's often a result of boredom, poor self-esteem, or dealing with a stressful situation. It's a difficult cycle to break.

This is probably way more than any of you wanted to know about me, but that's okay. I'm just trying to be honest about who I am. It's actually easier to tell you about it here, rather than telling you face to face. I'd probably cry. (For those of you who don't know me very well, then you likely have not experienced my bursting into tears talking about this - it's okay, you don't want to.) So why am I telling you? I think if I own up to it and become more public in my struggle, I feel like there is more accountability. With more accountability, there are better results.

My goal is to get healthier, to be more comfortable in my own body, to have some more fun. I think I used to think that if I lost weight, I would have no problem finding a man. But I've finally realized that if a man is so shallow that he won't go out with me at this size, then he's probably not worth it. He needs to love me for who I am, and that's more than just what I look like on the outside. It really starts with what's on the inside. I love what's on the inside and now I'm working on loving the outside and making it the best that I can.

Let me know if you want to join me on my journey to a better life - I would love to walk with you, maybe even go for a bike ride. Or, I'm open to something new, too. And, good conversation is always a great benefit. Who knows who I will meet on this journey.......

One of "those" days

2009-04-26T15:59:00.002-04:00

I have to put a bit of a disclaimer on this post, before you start reading. It's very daunting to write on here about certain things in my life, not knowing who will read them. I am very private about certain struggles in my life, especially this one, and it's hard to open up and let people see into my thought process and how I deal with things. But, I think that's part of why I started this blog, to be able to share some of these and be more open with friends and family. If nothing else, it should confirm that I am not perfect and do not live a charmed life.

Do you have one thing that you keep dealing with over and over again and just wish it would go away? Does it bring up emotions in you like nothing else? Does it hit you when you least expect it? I do. It's called singleness. And today is one of those days and I have no idea why.

Most days, I tolerate the fact that I am single, and other days I am thrilled with that status. But then, there are days like today, where it can seem absolutely overwhelming that I am single. I work through it and eventually come out on the otherside able to deal with life. But through that processing I usually consume some less than healthy foods, and need to rehydrate because of all the tears I've shed. But I'm hoping to change some of those cycles and this is one way to do that. I can deal with the shedding of the tears, but I'm sick of stuffing my feelings with food. Okay, something else you just learned about me, but I'll deal with that another day.

I was driving home after church today and it just hit me like a ton of bricks and I started weeping like I haven't in a long time. At my age I am sick of going to church and knowing that I will likely sit by myself, even though I often sit with great friends who welcome me into their nest for the service. It's wonderful to have that, but it's not the same as knowing that I have someone to share candy with, to share the Bible with, to comfort me when something in the service moves me to tears, or to hold my hand during prayer. I'm sick of walking into new situations where I don't know if I will know someone there. I want to feel like I am part of my church, even though everything seems to revolve around marriages, families and kids. I don't think it's intentional that I often am not covered in prayer by whomever is leading the morning prayer, but it would be really nice for a change if the leadership of the church would recognize that not everyone is married or has kids and deal with that.

It's not just at church that I feel the loneliness set in. There are times when my bed is freezing that I think how nice it would be to have someone warm up my side of the bed for a change, rather than having the electric blanket do it for me. Or, when a bad dream wakes me up in the middle of the night, it would be really nice to have the comfort of someone there beside me to make me feel safe and secure. I love going out with my friends and had a great time at Groovewalk last night. But even that, seeing all of these couples out and having fun, makes me long for the day when someone will take me out for a night on the town and treat me like his queen, getting me a drink, leading me through the crowd by holding my hand, or huddling under an umbrella as we make a dash to the car so we don't get drenched.

And then there come the things at home that I hate dealing with. I've learned how to fix both of my toilets and now am dealing with the garage door opener. I will likely have to call someone to fix it, rather than collaborating with my husband to figure out how to do it. I get to deal with my own vehicle problems, too, but I have a wonderful brother who is my mechanic and takes very good care of me and my Jeep. And what about when I run out of something and need to get it at the store? Nope, I don't get to call someone and ask him to pick it up on his way home. I have to go and get it myself. Same goes for cleaning. Wouldn't it be great to be able to have me clean one bathroom and he do the other? Or to have him do the vacuuming while I do the dusting? (I know, probably not realistic, but I can still dream about it, right?)

I think one of the worst times to be alone, though, is when I am sick. I distinctly remember last year when I had a fever off and on for about a week or so. One night I was laying on the couch huddled under blankets with a 102 degree fever and I needed some drugs and water. It would have been great to have someone bring those to me, along with tucking me in and rubbing my feet. Instead, I called my mom and cried to her on the phone. She did offer to come over, but I said I would be fine.

I thrive on genuine compliments and it would be so nice to have a man look at me and tell me how great I look in my new outfit that I just bought, and to see the genuine love in his eyes. Or to have him bring me flowers for whatever reason. (I know, I'm probably being unrealistic again, but let me have my moment, people.)

And, I would love to have a built in companion to go on vacation with. I love my friends and have had great times on our trips, but as their lives change it means that I lose my traveling companions and am constantly looking for someone to go on vacation with. That's just not fun, especially when I really, really want to go on another cruise or go to a resort.

But even with these things I long for, I do need to look for some positive things in my current situation to get me through this stage in life. When I decide to go on a shopping spree (like I did this weekend), I don't need to justify my spending to anyone else. If I want to buy two new pairs of sandals that cost just as much as my six shirts and one pair of pants, I can do that. I don't have to justify buying the expensive hair products or make-up, I can just do it. I can choose to take a nap on Saturday afternoon and no one needs to know and think I'm lazy. I get to be in complete control of my finances and be in control of everything. That can be good or bad, but I'm taking it as a good thing.

I don't share all of this for anyone to feel sorry for me. Instead, I share to help you look at the people around you with a different view. I know I am not the only one feeling this way. It is tough to live here in West Michigan and not be married, especially in the Christian circles. Doesn't that seem strange? Often times our friends are developed through relationships that we forge at church and if the church is not even recognizing that there is a need to include single people in church life, then they are missing out on so much. Single people need to feel that they are a valued part of a church, and not just for the supposed belief that they have more time to volunteer since they are single. No, we need to feel that churches acknowledge that we are part of the congregation and want us to be fully invested in the church life, and not by way of a singles group. That is the ultimate slap in the face.

So take a look around you. Is there a single person, and that includes the widowed and divorced, around you? Take a moment and ask yourself how you could make that person feel like they are a part of something, or what you may have in common? I know this is really hard to believe, but even though I don't have a husband or kids, I actually have a lot to talk about and have opinions on a lot of topics. And I love to share them. We might even have something in common.

Thanks for checking in.

The Importance of Friends

2009-04-20T21:13:00.013-04:00

This past weekend was an amazing weekend, full of laughter, tears, celebration, and love. Peter and Kelli tied the knot officially on Saturday in a spectactular display of love and affection. The bride was as beautiful as ever, and the groom was his ever attentive self.

There were a few highlights that will stick out for me from the weekend. The bridesmaids and bride went for lunch on Friday and sat outside to enjoy the glorious weather. Well, I should have known better. I ended up with my first sunburn of the year and it did not look so hot with my dress. Oh well, memories.

At rehearsal dinner, my (rowdy) table decided to try and help Marie land a date with our waiter, Logan. He was a great sport and has her name so he can add her to his Facebook. Hopefully she will hear from him soon! Or, we may need to go back to Via Maria to check him out again.

The weather for the weekend was incredible. We got to take some pictures in Centennial Park, and then head out to the beach for some great shots. It felt so good to have sand between my toes again. And the freshly painted toes in "Nice color, eh?" made me believe that summer is just around the corner. Maybe spring will even come before summer!

The biggest thing I will remember about this weekend, though, is that friends are an important part of our lives. I am so blessed with my friends, especially with Kelli, Shelley and Marie who I spent most of my weekend with. Let me tell you why.

I had the privilege of giving a toast at the reception and I struggled for the past week trying to figure out what to say. I didn't want it to be too long, but I wanted it to say what I felt. Saturday morning before I left home for the day, I spent some time in prayer and writing down my thoughts. I cried as I thought about how lucky I am to have Kelli as a friend, how blessed Peter is to be marrying Kelli, and what a gift Peter is to Kelli. Here's what I came up with. Thankfully I was able to get it out at the reception without crying.

Kelli, you are a wonderful friend. I have loved our vacations, road trips, hanging out at the beach, and of course our coffee time. We've laughed together, cried together, been stupid together, and prayed together. What more could I ask for in a friend. And now Peter has come into your life and put a bigger smile on your face, makes you giggle like a little girl, and has given you hopes and dreams for the future. Peter, you balance Kelli out. When she trips or falls, please catch her or help her up. Above all, keep God at the center of your marriage. He has brough you two together and will not let anything or anyone pull it apart. So raise a glass to Peter and Kelli; may God bless them today and forevermore.

I also enjoyed spending my time with Shelley. Her wedding is just a mere four months away and it was fun to hear how everything is coming together for her and Dave. To see the smile that Dave puts on Shelley's face is great to see, too. Even though I don't get to officially give a toast at their wedding, I will still write one for them and give it to them. I can't wait to hear more and more about their wedding as the weeks roll on. Our dresses will come in one of these days and I can't wait to take it to get altered and have Betty cut away huge chunks of the dress because it's too big. That's a long story, too long for here.

Last, but certainly not least, is Marie. She's going through a tough time right now, but she stays positive and looks for good in the bad. She's inventive, creative, determined to succeed. I know that she will succeed, without question. And, she's with me in the continued search for the men of our future that seem to allude us. Thankfully, because there's a bit of an age difference, I really don't see us "competing" for the same man. But if that were the case, I may just fight her for him. Just saying......

It was a great weekend, as you can tell, for so many reasons. I pray that all of you have happy memories of the past few days, too.

Added Duties

2009-04-14T21:18:00.003-04:00

This week my job description grew in ways that I was not expecting. I was fortunate enough to assist with someone that became ill in our lobby while talking to me. Let's just say that I do not do well the noises of "getting sick" and almost lost it myself. I refer to myself as a sympathetic vomiter. I was trying to ignore the sound and just kept saying in my head "walk away, walk away, walk away!". I was starving when I went out to talk to this person, and by the time I came back to my desk, the granola bar was not so appealing. Thankfully this employee's condition was not contagious, so I was not worried about getting sick.

Then, later in the same day, another employee came in that had been similarly sick, but this condition was likely contagious. And, this person still did not look well. I stood the whole time we talked. As soon as the employee left, Lysol was sprayed all over the room we met in, and then we sprayed the paperwork that was filled out and turned in. I was washing my hands immediately. I was a bit more nervous about this situation because I simply cannot afford to get sick this week!! I told my boss that if I get sick, I'm considering it work-related because of what I do (talk to sick people a LOT!) He laughed and said he would support me on that claim.

And, of course, the reason that I cannot get sick this week is because of Kelli's wedding this weekend! The fun events start Friday with lunch and continue through Saturday night with the reception and fun dance events at the end (Marie, we're doing the Cupid Shuffle!!!) It should be a LOT of fun. Stay tuned for some fun pictures and some great stories. Who knows who I will meet at the reception..........maybe someone that I can take to the altar?? My mom would LOVE that!

Christ has Risen!!

2009-04-12T10:04:00.004-04:00

What a day it is today, to celebrate the ultimate gift that God has given us, the only gift that we will ever need. Ever. Forever and ever. It is so easy for us to forget that. I sin every day, probably every hour. If it were not for God allowing Jesus to descend to the pit of hell, to experience the ultimate hell for us all, I would have to endure that someday. But I don't! And neither do you! No matter how bad some things in our life may seem here on earth, it still is nothing compared to what Jesus experienced. And because of His sacrifice, I can now handle anything that he throws my way and know that Jesus understands because he has suffered far worse. Thank you, Jesus, for your sacrifice!

But, today also saddens me. As I drove home from a wonderful Easter service, I passed by several stores and saw numerous cars in the parking lots. It brought me back to my childhood when everything shut down for Easter, including Meijer! I don't know if it's because of the leadership of these stores, or if it's driven by the demand of people shopping there. Can't the people of the United States slow down for one day of the year and just take a minute to celebrate God's gift to us? Do we really need to go to Lowe's today?

I know not everyone celebrates this greatest gift, but sometimes it takes a store's leadership to stand up and say no, we are going to close so that our employees can go and celebrate at church, with their families. It's difficult for them to do that because customers are so fickle and the store is afraid that if they take this kind of a stand that customers will go somewhere else because of their beliefs, or because they were closed. That, sadly, is the kind of society we are currently living in.

And for those of you who don't have any place to go today to celebrate this awesome gift, I wish I would have known because you could have come to my parents house with me today. I may not have a husband and children to call my own, but I am so blessed to have an awesome family that I can ALWAYS count on, especially on holidays. I never have to worry about being alone, sitting at home. You can find me, instead, somewhere with my family. Thankfully God gave me what I needed. For those of you blessed with a place to go, take a look around you. (It may be too late for this Easter, but there are many other holidays and Easters ahead of us). Is there someone that has no place to go? Invite them along. You may be doing it to bless that person, but I bet you will be the one ultimately blessed by having invited them.

No matter where you may be today, I pray that God will bless you, and that you will remember and believe that Christ has risen indeed and that you, too, can be saved from your sins for forever and ever.

Celebrations!

2009-04-06T20:29:00.002-04:00

I had a great weekend celebrating significant life events with a few of my great friends. The weekend started by visiting Noah Paul, who was all of a day and a half old. Parents Laurie and Jason were glowing with pride and you could not wipe the smiles off their faces. I pray that their first few days at home have gone well. I can't wait to hold Noah again and here all about his "firsts".

Then I went to celebrate the upcoming nuptials of Kelli and Peter. I haven't really been to many bachelorette parties, but this was one of the best. Dinner at San Chez and drinks at Mojo's - you can't go wrong! Although, one of the piano players did catch me yawning during a song and had to shine his spotlight on me and point out what I was doing. What can I say - I was awake at 3am that morning and I was tired! We didn't embarass Kelli really at all, probably because we all realize that paybacks could be painful for the rest of us. All in all, a fun time was had by all.

Saturday I got to celebrate my friendship with Kelli and have a girls day away. We discovered how great Ludington State Park is and had a great time exploring the trails and brainstorming ideas of how to get all of our friends to go up there and enjoy the glorious wilderness this summer. You can't go wrong with dinner at Snug Harbor, enjoying the view of the harber as the sun starts to go down, and then finishing it off with blue moon or superman ice cream at the Captain. But the best part of all was just spending time with a great friend, reminiscing about old times, talking about hopes and dreams, and just enjoying our friendship. Here's to you, Kel!

I am thrilled for both of my friends and the happy changes that are occurring in their lives. It would be so easy to become bitter, to withdraw and not support my friends because they are both experiencing things that I have been praying about for years. Thankfully, God has laid it upon my heart that everything is going to be okay for me and I don't need to worry about it right now. Instead, my only purpose right now is to stand by each of my friends and help them celebrate the best things in their lives right now. My time will come and I know they will be right there for me, too. Thank you, God, for giving me a heart of happiness.